Well it started out like any other day at the office. I turned up, made myself a cup of tea, then got the computer running ready to write another 2000 words for my daily output.
Only, today, something was different. As I logged into my writers desk, it looks like I have been given the key to the approvals centre. Have I accidentally put in the wrong password? Is the Y2K bug finally kicking in, twelve years late? Did I miss a memo from the editor saying I'd been promoted? I wonder if I can access the company bank account?
Well, If I want my normal seat in the staff canteen, I better get on with it. First story - 365 words about slaves being made legal for 24 hours at a time. Sounds good to me - they could write my daily quota for me. Approved. Next up - a letter of complaint to Apple. No tags - no approve - sorry!
Each story must have a title, a 'body' of words, with paragraphs and spacing in appropriate places. A picture and caption is optional - but tags to link the story to other spoofs are vital. Easy to add, often overlooked. Other stuff that will be rejected is stuff of a racial nature, and about the death of living people. If you want to start a rumor about Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse or Jimmy Saville being dead you need to join twitter.
The next three are all topical stories. Right up my street. Al Quaida underwear bombers - Blackburn Rovers owners neglecting the club - appropriately leaving them like chickens to be slaughtered? And David Walliams and Timothy Spall gatecrashing a Wedding. Betcha Walliams drank all the babycham. I've met Timothy Spall - a very nice, modest guy. All approved.
Eyes down, breathe in, breathe out - it's all about staying power. No wobbling. Next three stories, Florida Bears, Germany Greed, and Zombie Warfare - approved.
The next three have a familiar theme - I can guess the writer and there won't be a problem with approving these. American gossip - Heidi Montag, Dancing With The Stars, Michelle Pfeiffer and Zac Effron in a movie together. I don't always know the background on the US stories - but it helps that I saw Pfeiffer on the Jay Leno show last night talking about the (parodied) movie - and she was looking good.
Wow - just four more to go and lunch beckons. Soup, Dolma and pasta. Not all on the same plate. Bring it on. Next up - journalists being beaten up - that's not very nice - even if they work for Murdoch - still, approved it be. One more football story before we go, reporting on Liverpool's win over Chelsea last night, but paying attention to the WAGS and kids in the boxes.
Edging nearer the finish line - a self promo piece from one of our writers whose first novel is centre of a bidding war between Hollywood's finest - aka Spielberg and Chris Tarantino.
And, last but not least, be nice to fatso! A memo to hospital staff - treat obese people with respect - otherwise they might squash you! And talking of food - it's time for lunch. Hang on a minute - only 10.30am? Well that didn't take as long as I thought. I suppose I could always churn out an article about my morning before the canteen opens...