Written by Erskin Quint
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Tuesday, 8 May 2012

image for The Drunk In Charge of a Theme Tune Sketch Police Impersonators At The Police Impersonators Training College In Great Yarmouth

An elderly man is staggering along the street, carrying a moose's head and humming the theme tune to The Forsyte Saga.

A police Sergeant appears with a Constable.

Sergeant: 'Now then now then my lad. What's all this here then, eh? I'm going to have to ask you to blow into this here balloon.'

The man blows the balloon up. It turns out to be one of those long twisty ones.

Sergeant: 'See that, Constabule? See what he did to the balloon?' Turning to the man: 'I am arresting you for being drunk in charge of a reindeer and a TV theme tune.'

Man: 'But I'm not in charge of this theme tune. It's not mine.'

Sergeant: 'Ah! So you admit to being in possession of a stolen theme tune? I must warn you that anything you say will be taken down and may be used in evidence against you.'

Man: 'Oh no, it's curtains for me.'

Sergeant: 'Quick, Constabule, go inside the house and take down the curtains.'

Man: 'But that's not my house.'

Sergeant: 'So you have stolen the curtains as well as the theme tune to The Onedin Line, eh? You're nicked.'

Man: 'The Forsyte Saga.'

Sergeant: 'There's no need for that sort of language, Sonny.'

Man: 'Sonny? I'm 76 years old. And it's the theme tune from The Forsyte Saga not The Onedin Line. I never watched that, it made me seasick.'

Sergeant: 'At your age you should know better than to go around getting drunk and humming theme tunes my lad. And as for stealing a theme tune from Bruce Forsyth - why, he fought in the Boer War and trod the boards of the Edwardian Music Halls for the likes of you, he did. And what about this here reindeer?'

Man: 'It's not a reindeer, it's a moose.'

Sergeant: 'Is it now? Well, you might not have wanted to admit that, seeing as how you have no legal representative present at this interview. You see, impersonating a reindeer is not what we might term an insignificant offence on the statute book.'

Man: 'But this is ridiculous. It's a bloody moose. How am I supposed to tell if it's impersonating a reindeer? I just bought it at a jumble sale. They never said anything about reindeers. I go on holiday to visit my brother in Canada every year and I thought the moose would remind me of him. It's the way he parts his hair, it...'

Sergeant: 'Never mind that, my lad. They all come out with their tales of woe when they get their collars felt. Now, are you going to come nice and quiet, then?'

Man: 'How am I supposed to know that? How can I go and come at the same time? And if I'm supposed to be quiet, how can I answer you?'

Sergeant: 'Are you being facetious, my lad?'

Man: 'Yes.'

Sergeant: 'Are you really?'

Man: 'Yes,'

Sergeant: 'What does it mean, then, "facetious"? I've always wondered.'

Man; 'It means, "humorous", "waggish".'

Sergeant: '"Waggish?"'

Man: '"Jocose".'

Sergeant: 'Now, if you're going to insult my Scottish heritage like that then we'll have you in the back of a Black Maria before you can say The Gettysburg Address.'

Man: '32b Liverwort House, Giggleswick Sidings, Toronto.'

Sergeant: 'What?'

Man: 'That's the address of Mr Tony Gettysburg, the world-famous Canadian liverwort expert.'

Sergeant: 'Oh, is it now?'

Man: 'Oh yes. So you haven't got me in the back of a Black Maria before I could say the Gettysburg address.'

Sergeant: 'I suppose you think that's clever, don't you now, chummy, eh? Think you're a bit of a smart arse, do you, eh? Think you're a bit sharper than poor old Mr Plod, do we now, Sonny Jim?'

Man: 'Well, as a matter of fact...'

Sergeant: 'Well, that's where you're wrong, you see.'

Man: 'Oh, how's that, then?'

Sergeant: 'Well, Clever Dick, we haven't got a Black Maria, have we, eh?'

Man: 'But you said...'

Sergeant: 'I know what I said. The fact of the matter is, there is no Black Maria because I'm not a Police Sergeant, and the Constabule is not a real Constabule. We are Police Impersonators, you see.'

Man: 'Police impersonators? But that's an offence.'

Sergeant: 'You need to move with the times, my lad. Police Impersonators are now an integral part of the Force, supplementing the resources of the genuine article and invested with the authority to make Citizen's Arrests.'

Man: 'Citizen's arrests? But...'

Sergeant: 'But nothing. And seeing as how you are a Senior Citizen, I am hereby placing you under Senior Citizen's Arrest for being drunk in charge of a stolen Bruce Forsyth theme tune and a reindeer-impersonator and being in possession of sundry contraband, to whit, one set of curtains. I...'

Constable: 'It's no good Sarge.'

Sergeant: 'What do you mean, Constabule?'

Constable: 'There's nobody in.'

Sergeant: 'Nobody in?'

Constable: 'That's right. And what's more, they've not even got curtains. Venetian blinds is all they've got. We've just been led up the garden path - it's a blind alley.'

Sergeant (to man): 'Right, that's it. This has gone on long enough. I'm doing you for wasting Police Impersonators' time on top of everything else. You'll do time for this one, chummy.'

As they close in on the man a giant bell falls out of the air on top of them.

Man: 'Phew, saved by the bell.' Staggers off, humming the theme tune from The Generation Game.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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