Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 5 May 2012

image for Osama Bin Laden's Letters To Carol Vorderman And Other Celebrities Made Public Me And One Of The Wives At Our Old Gaff In Afghanistan Getting Ready For A Trip To Asda

Following the release to the public of the contents of documents written by Osama Bin Laden recently, from a stash of stored documentation confiscated in the May 2nd 2011 raid on his Abbotabad compound, during which he was killed, a second round of documents have been drip fed to the press.

The first set of documents - mainly political - were predictably urging dissidents to target President Obama, and General Petraeus, and kill them, but the second set of documents exposes a gentler, and more caring side of the mass murderer.

These epistles have been described as 'The Osama Fan Letters'

What follows is a sample selection.

LETTER TO ITV1's DAYTIME TALK SHOW: 'LOOSE WOMEN'

Dear Loose Women

This letter is to express my appreciation for the joy that you bring to me of a weekday dinner time. I am especially liking Carol Vorderman, with her crazy laugh, Jane McDonald for being a tea drinker with her mum, and a chanteuse to boot (We could really do with a good karaoke singer in Abbottabad these days. We have enjoyed minimal excitement since the day of Shilpa Shetty on Celebrity Big Brother) and we like Jenny Eclair too because she is well grumpy innit. Me no too keen on the McGiffen and Welch laydies - but if them go booze free, that do for me matey. Me bet that Andrea look well good in a burkha. Them can come round me compound anytime and play Sonic on me Megadrive with the wives and me.

Yours Truly

Osama BL

**********

LETTER TO ROSIE WEBSTER OUT OF 'CORONATION STREET'

Dear Rosie Webster,

Just a brief note to let you know that I think you is well fit innit. I like to watch you in Corrie, but I do wish you'd cover yourself up a bit more. When you show off your bits it can be a bit of a distraction, frequently causing two of my outraged wives to hurl teacups at the TV screen. I do enjoy the programme, but I get frustrated by how much of it takes place in the public house. I am quite often gasping for an ice cold pint of Newton & Ridley's lager as I watch. But you aren't bad for a bunch of infidels. Is there any chance of you doing a lezza thing scene with your sister's girlfriend? Whilst supping a yard of ale?

Sincerely

Osama BL

PS - On my behalf, could you ask your Mam, Sally, if she fancies coming to Abbottabad for a kinky fivesome? Only, my mate Mustapha reckons she's a bit of a goer.

**********

LETTER TO PORNOGRAPHIC MOTION PICTURE PERFORMER JENNA JAMESON

Hi Jenna,

I haven't seen any of your movies myself, but my friend Mustapha tells me that you are a bit tasty, and that you bang like an outhouse door in a gale. So, I was just wondering, like, if you're not busy and that, if you wouldn't mind popping over to my Abbottabad compound and passing a few hints and tips on to the wives. I'll pay your expenses, and you can either kip with me and the wives, or I can make up the sofa for you. There's loads to do here - we don't have the internet yet, but I have a Sega Megadrive with Sonic The Hedgehog, so you can have some fun with that. My friend Mustapha will also probably give you US$5 if you do a striptease for him. He promises he won't touch. Let me know anyway.

Sincerely

Osama BL

*********

More from OBL as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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