Written by Frank Unreasoning
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Saturday, 28 April 2012

image for World Exclusive - New Jeremy Hunt leaked email This guy's a real Jeremy Hunt

A first draft of Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt's statement to the House of Commons has been leaked, reacting to the proposed take over of BSkyB by NewsCorp before it was 'polished' by Party officials.

The recipient of the email is a certain DC, however DC is not David Cameron or even anyone closely associated with David Cameron, nor even anyone with the initials 'DC' according to a statement released by No. 10 this morning.

From: JH
To: DC
Date: 25th April 2012
RE: Oops!

DC,

I'm in the poo a bit, the PPS has suggested I need to a bit of lying to keep my job. Not sure why but here goes.

"Transcripts of conversations due to be published between me - oops sorry, I mean my special adviser (Wotsisname?) and a complete fantasist with no connection to NewsCorp have suggested I have a back passage. This is really, really, really not the case. However, the volume, tone and intimations of sexual favours within those communications were clearly not appropriate in this quasi-ludicrous process, and today Whotisname? has resigned as my special adviser (note to self - find out his name and sack him).

"I have strictly followed some process or other, seeking the advice of random people in the street and after seconds of careful consideration acted on their advice to stop bothering them and piss off.

"I made four decisions in this process and each of those decisions was contrary to what the NewsCorp wanted.
"The first decision I made was that I was minded to refer the bid to the waste paper bin, but my integrity forced me into my second decision that I would not make a decision until I had bought a shredder from Office Supplies Ltd and taken advice from the shop assistant on how it worked.
"The third decision I made was to extend the period of consultation because the shop was closed when I got there after work. My final decision was to go then go home for tea and not invite Mr. Murdoch.

"In fact the only contact I had with Mr. Murdoch was an accidental meeting in Ladbroke Grove public conveniences with other people present. The fact that there are emails in which he talks about having personal contact with me, simply did not happen - he remained at a safe distance at the adjacent urinal, and I am reliably informed he always wears rubber gloves and a snorkel to perform his ablutions. Furthermore his suggestion that he called me before I went to see Swan Lake is completely wrong, I actually went to see Lady Boys of Bangkok five days later.

"I accept, and I've told my special advisor that he also accepts, that those communications overstepped the mark...I knew Wotsisname was authorised to be one of a number of contact points within my back passage, but having seen those communications it is clear that the volume and content was inappropriate.

"The idea that I was backing the NewsCorp bid is laughable, in fact the Government itself is laughing about it and the fact that my integrity is now open to question is also hilarious. So lets all have a good laugh about it."

- Is that OK DC?

BFF
Jerry

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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