Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 30 August 2013

image for The Phineas & Penelope Fitch Traveling Sideshow & Carnival (Part 2) Fred The Fire Eater recently retired after that unfortunate groin incident in Topeka.

Redwood Fingerboo with The Cucamonga Chit Chat Chronicle interviewed Phineas Fitch, the owner and director of operations for The Phineas & Penelope Fitch Traveling Sideshow & Carnival, which is the oldest carnival in the entire United States.

Mr. Fitch stated that they introduced their newest carnival ride on Columbus Day, 2011, in Columbus, Ohio.

He said that the ride is a cousin to the Flop-A-Knocker and that its called the Tilt-A-Tit.

He pointed out that this baby once it starts is constantly tilting left and right at 90 degree angles a total of 88 times in 60 seconds.

In fact, the carnival issues a disclaimer which states that if you have eaten any carnival food, for example corn dogs, hot dogs, wiener dogs-on-a-stick, dog gone pretzels, or Snoop Doggy Dogg egg rolls that you wait at least one full hour before getting your caboose on this baby.

"Mr. Fitch, what other kinds of carnival food do you sell?" Fingerboo asked.

"Well, we really have quite a variety of unusual eats" he replied, "One of our all-time biggest sellers is our deep fried M & M's. Wow, I swear that we cannot make enough of those little bastards."

He went on to say that they also sell thousands of caramel pizza slices, stir-fried cotton candy, pickled Special K Cereal, and bloomin' cabbages.

Fitch noted that the food item that is the most popular among young males between the ages of 12 and 19, is a specialty that he is very proud to say that he invented.

He remarked, "And it's a dry roasted mini-funnel cake in the shape of Sofia Vergara's puppies, if you get my 'double' meaning."

"Interesting, how much does that sell for?"

"Well those are sold at $2 each, or a pair for $3.75."

Some of the other rides in the Phineas and Penelope Traveling Sideshow & Carnival include The Zippity Do-Dah Zipper.

This is a thrilling ride that drops down a full ten stories in 1.2 seconds, thus causing every one's zipper to open.

Another unique ride is The Bumper Boats. On this ride the carnival goers pay $20 and must sign an injury waver release.

The individual gets in a rowboat and then proceeds to ram the other rowboats. The object of this ride is to see how many other rowboats you can sink before someone sinks your boat.

Life jackets are required and can be rented for $27 for adults and $23 for children.

The newest of all the rides is The Uranus Orbiter Whoop-De-Do. This ride is known as the ride from Ann Coulter hell.

And the reason is because once you get on it, it starts shaking back and forth like a Home Depot paint shaking machine. The ride is not named after the planet. It's named after you-know-what.

Fingerboo asked Fitch what some of the sideshow attractions are. He said that one of the most popular ones is the 103-year-old Tattooed Great Grandmother named Roberta Sue.

He commented that Roberta Sue has over 700 tattoos all over her body. Unfortunately not a single one of the 700 tattoos are any longer identifiable.

Another interesting display is the amazing left tonsil of Adolf Hitler. The thing that makes this display unique is the fact that the tonsil is actually tattooed with a still-visible mini-swastika.

Over at the sitting duck pond parents pay $9 for their child to actually sit on a live adult duck for five minutes or until the duck gets pissed off and bites the child.

Fitch stated that although carnivals are not as popular as they were back in the 50s and 60s they are still a whole lot more fun than watching reality TV shows like Khloe & Lamar, The Muffin Makers, and The Real Housewives of Detroit.

SIDENOTE: Fitch told Redwood Fingerboo that there is talk that TouchRock Films wants to make a movie about his life. He was told that Robert Duval may play the part of Phineas Fitch with the part of Penelope Fitch being played by Meryl Streep.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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