Written by PP Rega
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Tags: Jewish

Sunday, 29 April 2012

image for Once Upon a Time In a Little Jewish Hacienda, 33CE

Judas
Nobody here.

Thomas
Don't sweat it. He'll be right here.


Judas
Maybe he's on break.

Thomas
10AM? I doubt it.

Judas
Well, I don't mind telling you, I'm getting tired of all this.

Thomas
All what?

Judas
The dirty work.

Thomas
What dirty work?


Judas
His dirty work.

Thomas
What do you mean?

Judas
"Follow me." "Feed the poor." "Get off Magdalene's back." I'm just getting tired of it. Now I have to make dinner reservations.

Thomas
Well, I have to do it too….

Judas
Well, maybe you're in the same doghouse I'm in.

Thomas
I doubt that too. We all have to share the load.

Judas
Says you.

Thomas
Says me.

Maître d'
May I help you?

Judas
We need to make a reservation.

Maître d'
Hmmmmm. Let me check my scroll.....When are we thinking?

Judas
Tonight.

Maître d'
Eeeew! We are overbooked now. No, I'm sorry.....

Judas
Fine. Thanks. Let's go, Tom.

Thomas
No. Wait.

Judas
For what? They can't, they can't. You heard the guy.

Thomas
Excuse me, sir.....

Maître d'
Yes?

Thomas
He sent us.

Maître d'
Excuse me?

Thomas
He sent us.

Maître d'
I'm sorry. He? He who?

Thomas
You know. Him.

Maître d'
Could you clarify that a bit more? We are extremely busy setting up.

Thomas
Him that sent us. Him.

Judas
Oh, brother. Listen...Him. You know....Him. Loaves....fishes....mount.....speech on it....blind, walk......lame, see...blah, blah, blah, blah.

Maître d'
Him?

Judas
Him

Maître d'
That Him?

Thomas
That Him. We were told to tell you "Him".

Maître d'
You didn't tell me it was that Him.

Judas
Now we're telling you. So?

Thomas
Can you help us?

Maître d'
For Him? But of course.

Thomas
Thank you.

Maître d'
Which seating?

Thomas
Excuse me?

Maître d'
Which seating? We have two. One at 5:30. The second at 7:30.

Thomas
Which one do you think?

Judas
First. I'll be busy later on.

Thomas
First.

Maître d'
Very good. And how many in your party?

Thomas
Thirteen.

Judas
Thirteen?

Maître d'
But....

Thomas
That's what He said.

Maître d'
But....

Judas
No one else? No women? No Magdalene?

Thomas
Nope. Just us.

Maître d'
But.....

Judas
Just the boys?

Thomas
Yep.


Maître d'
But.....

Judas
But what? But that's The Twelve. Where do you get thirteen?

Thomas
You're forgetting Him.

Judas
Him? He's coming too?

Maître d'
But.....

Thomas
That's what He said.

Maître d'
It's impossible.

Thomas
What's impossible?

Judas
Never say, "Impossible." "Impossible" is not in our vocabulary; is it, Tom?

Maître d'
But I can't.

Thomas
I doubt that.

Maître d'
Forgive me, sir. I do so want to assist Him, but there is no room for thirteen.

Judas
There you go, Tom. No room at the inn, shall we say.

Thomas
What about the patio?

Maître d'
Full up at both seatings.

Thomas
Well, we'll settle for inside.

Maître d'
But even inside we're tight.

Judas
Well, how about that long table over there?

Maître d'
That's the sideboard. That's where we place the food to deliver to our guests.

Thomas
We can make do with that.

Judas
Sure. We take out all the drawers, pull the table from the wall a little bit, and….

Thomas
And we can all just sit on the other side all together. That'll save space, no.

Maître d'
Yes.....yes.......I think that would work.

Judas
Fine. Here. Thirteen. 5:30.

Maître d'
Now. Place cards.

Thomas
How's that?

Maître d'
Place cards. So there's no confusion. Everyone knows where they're sitting. They just find their card and sit.

Judas
Great!

Thomas
Great? You think we need place cards, Judas?

Judas
If only to see John's face when he finds his card way over at the end of the table! You think he'll get the point?

Thomas
I doubt it. Let's forego the place cards, if you don't mind.


Judas
You may be right. The first last, the last first and all that sort of stuff. Very confusing. Let's just leave it alone then and get out of here.

Maître d'
A moment, please.

Judas
Yes, what is it?

Maître d'
The menu, gentlemen. We need to decide on the food and drink.

Thomas
Now?

Maître d'
It would be better now so we know how much to purchase before this evening.

Judas
Well, what are our choices?

Maître d'
We can provide a prix fixe menu or you can order al a carte. The latter is a tad more expensive, but…

Thomas
No, no, no.....

Maître d'
Excuse me?

Thomas
You're getting too elaborate. Just matzoh and wine.

Maître d'
We have wonderful Phoenician escargot. All the rage in Samaria.

Thomas
Matzoh and wine.

Maître d'
Macedonia blood oranges?

Thomas
Matzoh and wine, I'm afraid.


Maître d'
Matzoh and wine.

Judas
Yeah, old boy, you better listen to Tom. He, you know, that He...He said keep it simple.

Maître d'
But this is unseemly. You can't have thirteen for dinner and all they want is unleavened bread and wine for supper. Why...our reputation.....

Thomas
Listen, my dear sir. If you do this up right, it won't go unrewarded. After all, there'll be more suppers after this.

Judas
I doubt it.

The End

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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