Written by Clive Danton

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A park bench in the town centre of Dorking, Surrey has an exciting opening for an experienced gentleman of the road with at least 5 years experience of drunkeness and anti social behaviour under his piece of string belt.

The purple faced stumblebum we seek should be able to display good muttering skills and be prepared to spend a good percentage of his/her time shouting at traffic or lying comatose in their own piss.

A good working knowledge of staggering through shopping malls with a dog on a bit of string will also be looked on favourably as will the ability to start fights with yourself in a public library or a telephone box.

The successful applicant will be expected to supply their own ill fitting fetid trousers and battered, sick encrusted trilby but a pair of old boots with no laces in will be provided and may be collected from one of the dustbins round the back of the shopping precinct.

DO YOU have a proven track record of shouting aggressively in the faces of passers by

CAN YOU push a pram containing all your worldly possesions packed into plastic bags and operate a radio with no front on?

ARE YOU a proven drink addled wreck with a long history of soiling yourself in underpasses

CAN YOU boast years of chronic liver disease?

If you can answer "Yesh yer fuckin' bashtas yersh! Fuuuuuuuck!" to all of the above citeria then stagger into Dorking Town Hall reeking of stale piss and collapse over the desk of the bloke on security and ask for a form to shove up the back of your jumper to keep your kidneys warm without delay.

No down and out journalists or disgraced MPs.

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