Written by jessica w
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

I was convinced that April would be better after the first 10 days went by without incident, internet not included. And then the most ridiculous thing possible happened. Here's the letter I had to send in addition to visiting the local police precinct. Some vital info needed prior to reading: the man below is 50 years old, was a security guard on duty, and was called "one of the nicest people alive" by the store manager when I was escorted back to the store by two of New York's finest.

To whom this concerns,

Up until 12:45 am on Saturday April 14, 2012 I thought I had seen every display of human stupidity possible. And then I went to Walgreens on 72nd Street and 2nd Avenue. Shocked doesn't cover how I felt... oh no, my reaction resembled an expression one would make seeing a human boy swing his arms and take flight.

Upon arrival, I noticed your creepy security guard staring and following me around the store. Unfortunately for reasons not listed below (though I'm sure you can make an assessment) I think everyone other than myself, blood relatives, and close personal friends are just waiting to pick me up and run away. Since the terror was a familiar feeling, it caused me to forego the ensuing panic of yet another stalker and just get the hell out of there, sans item. After all he is the protector of Walgreens. Surely there was some sort of qualification process necessary to get the security guard job.... Right? Oh just wait.

Let me preface the incident itself with the following information: I'm not sure of the protocol regarding the space between the doors on the sidewalk and those guarding the storefront as I am not a Walgreens employee and do not have access to the handbook, but based on my recent findings, I can conclude that the 5 foot space is not considered part of the store, rendering proper behavior a memory only.

When I entered the doorway, your SECURITY GUARD jumped on top of me, wrapped his arms around my body, tried to kiss me, and grabbed my face. He then told me he hadn't seen me in a while and I was so sexy I should come back all the time. Come again? This was my first time at your store so I'm wondering if he is allowed to look out the glass doors at people passing. If so I smell a lawsuit and have confirmation of my very first actual stalker. Not so great. I have a sister in the area and I'm hoping I don't need to get her a Taser.

Now you can imagine my shock and horror... and this was a SECURITY GUARD. I promise if you don't do something I will be more than happy to meet with the D.A. and press charges against my attacker and all related parties. I have her card and am not afraid to use it.

Best,
Disgruntled Customer

I'm still waiting for all those coupons Walgreens should be sending any day now.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

56 readers are online right now!

Go to top