Written by Clive Danton

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Tags: Dorking

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image for Situations Vacant. Trainspotter Required In Dorking Area An Olden Day Trainspotter Fondling Himself Whilst Waiting For The 13.56 From East Croydon

A small well appointed railway station in Dorking, Surrey, are actively seeking a full time train spotter to carry out light clerical duties.

The sinister, poorly dressed inadequate we're looking for should have a good working knowledge of rolling stock dating back to The Age Of Steam and be able to produce a full back catalogue of train serial numbers going back at least 5 years.

A furtive demeanour and a clinical history of social phobia with a criminal record for minor sexual offences , particularly indecent exposure towards minors will also be looked on favourably.

The successful applicant must be fully prepared to stand for hours on end in all types of weather conditions jotting down train numbers into a battered notebook with a few breaks taken during quiet times to sip a weak lemon drink and eat a couple of marmite sandwiches which preferably should have been made earlier by the applicants elderly mother.

The ability to masturbate inside your trousers when schoolchildren are on the platform will also count greatly in the successful applicants favour although some training will be given in this area

People who have committed a number of grisly murders undetected and who can show evidence of human remains under the patio at home will be fast tracked straight onto the short list.

A full uniform consisting of hideous, suspiciously stained catalogue trousers and battered fake leather sandals along with a torn string vest and floral short sleeved shirt will be provided but pink rimmed National Health Service spectacles held together by Elastoplast must be supplied by the applicant.

If you feel that you fit the bill and are keen to join our enthusiastic team of jobless, inadequate sexual deviants then get your mum to fill in a CV on your behalf after she's made your poached eggs with spaghetti hoops and send it to:

The Station Master
Dorking South Station

People with girlfriends either past or present need not apply

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