Once upon a time, there used to be many thriving brightly lit High Street shops, where happy, smiling, prosperous people would spend, spend, spend without a care in the world.
Then one day, two evil witches by the name of 'Austerity' and 'Unemployment' descended upon the land and suddenly, without warning all the brightly lit shops began to close...faster than crap through a goose!
Sadly, within weeks those brightly lit High Streets, the ones that did not already resemble Bangladesh, quickly morphed into what looked like Beirut on a Saturday night or worse still, Helmand province after a good shelling.
Then suddenly, like Phoenix rising from the proverbial ashes numerous 'new' shops began to open as more and more boarded up premises were turned into what we now call Charity Shops!
Within months most Nationwide High Streets were festooned with a plethora of dimly lit shops each with its own name and aroma, the latter ranging from sweet smelling incense to full blown dried urine.
However, such was the abundance of cheap, cheerful and wonderous crap on display, the poverty stricken nationwide populace soon began to frequent these stores at an amazing, if not alarming rate.
As to be expected, before long a sort of unwritten 'ravalry' began to raise it's ugly head as each Charity Shop attempted to outdo each other by cutting prices still further and giving even Poundland a run for it's money!
With so much benefit money floating around and competition reaching fever pitch, one such Charity Shop, namely Sue-C-Ryder has taken the unprecedented step of opening a chain of 'Supersize Sue-C-Ryder' stores to cope with the rising demand for second-hand tat.
The latest mega store has opened on a retail park in Kings Lynn, Norfolk (sic) to offer shoppers a bigger range of clothes, furniture and other items. The store-the third opened in the county by the charity chain-also makes shopping an experience to remember and now offers, coffee shop, hairdressers, opticians, in-house chapel, direct-dial freefone to the DWP and a creche, along with free car and mobility scooter parking.
Much of the success of these new Sue-C-Ryder Supersize Stores is due to the hiring of eminent junk Guru one, Alberto DeSteptoe, 136, a once famous rag n' bone man from Stepney, East London and self made Billionaire, now living as a recluse on the Isle Of Capri.
With many years experience on how to sell just about anything to anyone, Alberto was lured out of retirement, 'pro-bono', due to his interest in the rise of charity shops which he had been following on the internet from his hillside Villa.
Many rival chains are now desperatly attempting to emulate the growing success of Sue-C-Ryder and one in particular, The British Heart Foundation is desperatly attempting to locate Alberto's estranged son, H'arold DeSteptoe, 101, last seen running a winkle stall in Hastings.
Meanwhile, Oxfam have put in a bid for Mary Porta-House Steak now that her contract with part-time PM Do-nothing-Dave has expired and Age Concern are hoping to secure Will.i.am to appeal to the younger set.