Nottingham reporter and wicker-bottom chair repairer Bartholomew Utterswaith, has deciphered a letter meant for despatch to another planet, by an alien who had to make an emergency landing on earth, in the Nottingham Council Benefits Office toilets, currently under review for closure.
Here is the translated wording:
Dear Mother & Father,
Just to let you know that I am safe after the Lunarzodiac 1066510437 Transportation Vehicle crash landed on the planet Earth.
I landed on a little island called Britain, in a built up locality known as Nottingham, in the centre of the island.
The many locals immediately took away the damaged LTV-vehicle parts, and I assumed by way of a greeting and welcome, there were many of their land vehicles with blue flashing lights and klaxons in celebration of my safe landing, and they belted me around the head several times, presumably to make me feel at home with the others taking part in what I now know is bi-annual festival they observe here in their summer, as depicted by one of the placards one of their younger rings in the nose types in a gang of 40 or so who were playfully chasing, and throwing lit torches at two men in uniform in one of the vehicles that had the blue flashing lights on top, as they sped away, was carrying that read 'Blood & Fear', known as 'Riots'.
I have been here a long while now, and have discovered many things about this race called, humans, and their habits and ways.
Different nations of the globe use different kinds of 'currency' for trading, pleasure, and killing each other. It seems those with the most currency live longer, can get medical help quicker, and tend to be the ruling class of the planet.
Every few years, their leaders send the lower classes to commit something called genocide on the peoples of other nations?
It appears they are now running out of oil, fuels, and common sense.
I have also found out that many of our own criminals have landed here over the years, and taken new identities: Judas Iscariot, Caligula, Mao Si Tung, Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin, and David Cameron being amongst the names they adopted.
They drink beverages, like the 'Beer' that was cheap until recently, and enjoyed by their proletariat classes, despite their desire to swear, fight, and have a curry and be sick afterwards. And hot burning liquids, called 'Spirits', that destroys the livers of the better off ones.
When they get their 'Benefit currency', they go straight to what they call a 'Bookmaker' and donate much of it to him. Apparently giving it to multiple bets, place, win, each-way, double, treble, accumulator, or a round robin.
I have yet to find out why, but this seems to make a Mr Coral, Mr Ladbrooke, Mr Betfred, and Mr Paddy Power very happy.
Some of the younger ones do not get enough food, education, or 'Currency' to exist very well. Others have enough of everything, even making servants of other well 'Currencied' beings, by making them fags?
Those in charge here, are crooked, cruel and inconsiderate, but the masses don't seem to mind, as long as they get their Benefit cheque, child allowance, Coronation Street, Football, sex, and pissed up once a week.
I have decided to come home to Eruxtrasphere One in a few weeks time.
This is due to an impending disaster in the capital of the country, when they hold the 'Olympic games' there.
I read that the BNP will be out protesting, the Muslim Brotherhood will be out protesting, Al Qaeda will be out protesting, the Occupy the Olympic Toilets Protesters will be out protesting, the striking fuel tanker drivers will be out protesting, the Failed Asylum Seekers Support Groups will be out protesting, the Respect party members will be out protesting, the We Love Greggs Supporters will be out protesting, and Argentina and Iran may well be attacking the country in the same month!
I will be at the number 17 bus stop in Bulwell Market in Nottingham between 1100hrs and 1200hrs daily from June first.
Please come and collect me!