"Warped factor ten Mr Zooloo" commanded Captain Skirt.
"Aye aye sird" answered first mate Zooloo.
"We only go up to warped factor eight" interrupted Lieutenant Spook.
"What happened to the other two?" enquired Skirt.
"Left them at home sird" said Zooloo.
"Ask Engineer Snotty to give us all he has got" ordered Captain Skirt.
"Hey ho" replied Pekoff.
"Stop that!" shouted Lieutenant Spook "This is 1965 no gay talk on this ship sailor"
"Hark at the madam" lisped Zooloo.
"Snotty" cooed Pekoff "can queenie have some more power".
"I'm doing me nails love, can it wait?" replied Chief engineer Snotty.
Captain Skirt threw a glance at Lieutenant Spook, it missed and landed on the dash board.
"What did he just say?" asked Skirt.
"I believe Snotty is doing his nails sir and will attend to your request shortly" answered Spook.
"Is he taking the piss?" said Skirt.
"I believe this human trait is being used sir" advised Spook.
"You can stop that Vulcan crap you're a normal bloke with stuck on ears" replied Skirt.
"Bitch" mumbled Spook.
"What's going on?" asked Communications officer Uhuhu turning in her chair.
"Nowt keep your snout out of it" snapped Zooloo.
"I am allowed to face the camera you know" retorted Uhuhu.
"Not with that vis dear" replied Pekoff.
Captain Skirt leapt from his chair and sidled up to Lieutenant Spook.
"Hello sailor my place or yours?" he asked.
"Beg pardon sir" replied Spook holding on to his crotch.
"Sorry….Spook I don't know what came over me, something is going wrong with the crew, they seem to be acting in a very strange way can you analyse the problem?" enquired Skirt.
"Aye sir" said Spook. As he began pressing lots of buttons and making strange noises.
"Cooeee tell queenie I have pushed us up to warped nine and now I have a headache" called Snotty.
"Must be the brown bread dear" Answered Zooloo.
"Warped factor nine sird" informed Pekoff.
"When do I get more lines?" asked Uhuhu.
"Fucking lesbians always moaning" whispered Spook.
"I heard that!" screamed Uhuhu.
"Well it's true you fat cow!" shouted Zooloo in reply.
Boones the ship's doctor arrived on the bridge just as the argument had started.
"I say! Officer on deck" he called.
"She's sober today then" said Peoff to Zooloo.
"Is no one going to stand up?" asked Boones.
"I will" said Uhuhu.
"Thank you love at least one of you has some respect" said Boones.
"Ah Boones, have you got the results of the tests?" asked Captain Skirt.
"Yes Jom, she was clean" replied Boones.
"Sir" interrupted lieutenant Spook "there is a strange being that has been trying to contact us"
"Do you have a visual?" asked Skirt.
As Skirt spoke the huge outsize screen that doubled as a window began to clear giving them a picture of the strange being that had been causing the disturbance on the ship. Spook was the first to speak.
"My god sir, can it be true?" said a shocked Spook.
"I am afraid so" answered Skirt.
"What do we do now?" bleated Zooloo.
"Can we turn it off?" asked Pekoff.
"Jom, it's something that we know not of or is it that we do not understand" said Boones.
"It's talking sir" advised Uhuhu.
"Cover your ears men" ordered Skirt.
"Hello, it's taken me ages to get here and do you know my legs are killing me. I've had a gay old time trying to find your ship I can tell you Everhard has been a drip with the directions Slack Alice has done nothing but whine and now I've got one of me heads, I think it's the sugar, anyway as I was saying I spoke to our leader, I think he's drunk, and he says we should take you prisoner"
"Sir" whispered Spook "The Larrygrayson is trying to control our ship ducky".
"Steady as she goes Spook, I have a plan dear" answered Skirt.
Tune in next week when we see Captain Skirt trying not to shave his legs. Uhuhu wants a sex change.
And Engineer Snotty has a melt down after his nails get chipped.