Written by CaptainSausage
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Thursday, 12 April 2012

image for The Swedish Milkmen Ever considered tasting Benny from ABBA's nipples?

In a farmhouse in a remote part of Sweden, there is a unique industry. The small village of Juver in Dalarna is home to the world's only human dairy farm.

It was started in 1973 by Erik Holstein, when his wife Helga would not stop lactating. "It was very embarrassing," he says. "Every time she put on a jumper she would get these huge wet patches around her bosoms."

He decided to borrow a milking machine from a neighbouring farmer, and before he knew it he was milking his wife four times a day.

She says it felt unusual at first, but she soon began to enjoy it. So much so that she invited her friends to join in. Within a couple of years, the entire female breeding population of the village was producing milk, and exporting it all over the country under the brand name Bröstmjölk.

"It was very popular," says Erik. "It tastes like cow milk but sweeter. And the animal rights people like it because it doesn't hurt any animals."

The women are fed a diet of fresh grass to help increase milk production, often spending all day long grazing on it. They are also encouraged to drink as much milk as possible, which apparently helps.

But Erik's business is not stopping there. He has decided that he may be able to double the farm's output if he can encourage the men of the village to join in.

"Swedish men are very effeminate. It doesn't take much encouragement for us to take some hormones and use a breast pump. That's all it takes for men to produce a little milk."

He has roped in Benny from ABBA to be the face of "Manmjölk". Benny has been lactating for three weeks now and has already produced a gallon of milk. His milk has a musty, beef-like taste, which is apparently typical of man-milk.

"We think man-milk will be very popular. And then there's also man-cheese and man-butter on its way. I am quite sure that years from now many more people will be working in the dairy industry like this, and those poor cows will be set free at last."

Bröstmjölk and Manmjölk are yet not available in the UK, but can be bought on the internet or in many European countries.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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