Chad Smear, 44, works as an animal inseminator, and has been trying to encourage more people to follow him into the profession. It is a tough job, he says, but rewarding and with plenty of perks.
This week, he is travelling to Peru, with a consignment of 7 gallons of llama semen. This is a typical week for Chad. "Oh yes," he says, "I have to collect the semen, bottle the semen, transfer the semen, then transport the semen. Once it reaches the destination I have to ensure it reaches the ovaries of the animal, which is not as much fun as it sounds."
He says that one important part of the job is ensuring the quality of the sperm. He does this by checking the texture and flavour. His preferred method of doing this is to dip his cheese sandwiches in the liquid. "My favourite semen is swan, that has a tangy fishy flavour. When I'm not at work, I usually carry some with me to put on my food."
But things don't always go so smoothly. On a previous flight, Chad was carrying a batch of 3 gallons of zebu jizz when the plane started to plummet. Thinking that the precious semen would be destroyed, he decided there was only one thing to do. "I thought it would be a shame to waste it. It's very valuable you know. So I drank it all up. I had to make myself sick half-way through the second barrel in order to make room for the rest. Oh it was delicious. But then after all that, the plane didn't crash after all. I felt a right fool!"
On another occasion, he was on a ship in the South Atlantic with 36 barrels of badger spunk. As the semen were tossed around on the heavy seas, many of the barrels overflowed and lost a lot of their valuable cargo. But Chad had a plan. He gathered up the entire ship's crew and got them to "top up" the barrels by themselves. "It doesn't matter too much if some human fluid gets mixed in, it's more important that the customer is happy. I haven't seen one human-animal hybrid in 20 years on the job."
When he returns from Peru, he will be attending a graduate recruitment fair in Hull. He will bring free samples for the students, and will try to tempt them into becoming his apprentice.
"The youth of today don't know how good they've got it. They can get semen on tap. They don't realise how much hard work us animal inseminators put in. One day you could be wanking a penguin in Argentina, the next day driving an oil tanker full of polar bear cum, then the next day you could be elbow deep in a gibbon in Bangkok zoo. You really can't find a more exciting job than that."