Written by Matt Brown
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Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Oh my gosh I am sooooo bored right now, and tired, isn't everybody tired. Click like if you have ever been tired, yeah that's how I roll. But you know I think I got to be so tired because I was so bored and then you know my mom's gone out with her new boyfriend Lorenzo and their all too not tired unlike me, who is tired! Anyway forget that because I have work in like 3 hours but that's ok because it's Friday, Friday gotta get down on Friday. OMG that song is so bleugh and old you know, jeez that girl must be like 40 now or something.

Anyway it's Friday like I just said so roll on the weekend, roll on getting wasted, roll on my 1:30 pre-natal screening, roll on my dogs funeral, roll on deodorant.

THE--NEXT--DAY--

Ok so just woke up after last night and OMG what a night. The police came up to us and started saying 'please leave ma'am, you're causing a disturbance'. But I was just like whoop, whoop, whoop for like 15 minutes so they ARRESTED me! But I'm not even bothered about that because Justin Bieber's new album is so amazing! They asked if I wanted pepper spray, so I said ''sure who's it by''? Still stings.

So, what's up with Shawna? She's all like in a relationship with Brad and then not in a relationship with Brad, and then back in a relationship with Brad's brother, but then she's all 'yeah I love chicken soup'. Girl needs to get her priorities in check.

Starting my new diet on Monday, yeah need to be looking fine for when Corey gets back from being a missionary in Cambodia. He doesn't know I like him but I got some moves that's gonna' blow his mind. Anyway where was I, oh yeah diet. Basically I peel the skin off 1 potato, fry it, steam it, roast it, bake it, grill it, boil it, sautee it, poach it and then flambee it. After that I cut it up into individual pieces and feed it to my doggy because he's like a dog you know and I don't think he can cook so somebody really should do it for him sometimes.

After that I just can't eat another thing so get ready for my 5am Jim appointment at the gym, with Jim, he's my super-hot instructor. Yay me! He totally likes me and I'm such a bad flirt. I think he might be gay though, I mean he does like to be surrounded by sweaty men and loves to instruct them on how not to be so sweaty. I'm gonna wear my purple sports bra though and super tight cycling shorts. If that doesn't turn him nothing will.

Ciao for now

John

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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