Written by Chrissy Benson
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Monday, 9 April 2012

image for Top-10 Top-Secret Dating Tips for Men! These top-secret dating tips from NYC's top matchmaker will ignite your love life!

Men, is your dating life DOA? Not to worry! These top-secret tips from NYC's #1 professional matchmaker will put the "life" back in your love:

1) Don't be a douchebag! Yes, it's true that ladies loooove douchebags - but they love non-douchebags even more! You can get plenty of trashy booty by acting like a jerk, but if you're interested in some seriously high-class love, acting like a decent, considerate guy will skyrocket your love life into a new dimension.

2) Expand your horizons! Have you gotten complacent about dating women of your own race? There's a whole world of color out there - why not incorporate some into your dating life? In other words, try a new hue!

3) Pick up that phone! Texting's fun, and it can get pretty steamy - but if you really want to blow a woman out of the water, pick up the phone, call her and have a conversation. It'll make your sexting that much hotter…

4) Go veg! Everyone knows the HOTTEST ladies these days are vegan, and they want veg men! If you go veg, you'll have the corner on the hot veg chick market -so milk it! (Soy milk it, that is!)

5) Fix things! Or at least pretend you can. Nothing turns on a woman like a handy man.

6) NO cross-dressing - ever! No matter how hipster or artsy your lady is, no matter how much she says she's into pushing gender boundaries, your woman does not want you in a dress. Not even on Halloween!

7) NO crying (at least in the beginning)! Yes, women like emotionally sensitive guys. But too much too fast is a turn-off, so hold back on the tears for at least the first three dates.

8) NO mooching! In other words, don't hit the restroom when the check comes. Ever!

9) NO mock turtlenecks! And you guessed it - not even on Halloween.

And last but NOT least - pay close attention, guys…

10) Go on a date! You got her number, your sexting's been amazing, you've even chatted with her on the phone. Great stuff - but THAT'S NOT DATING! How to effect an actual date experience? Set a specific day, a specific time, a specific place - and show up. That's a date! You'll end up leaps and bounds ahead of all those other guys who are clueless about the "dating" part of dating. And you'll find that dates can actually be the most rewarding part of the dating adventure.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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