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Thursday, 5 April 2012

image for The Bartholomew Uttersthwaite Column: The Kenneth Clarke Interview Undercover protection officers in Soho Gardens where the meeting nearly took place

7 months ago:
I managed to got permission to hold an interview with The Right Honourable Kenneth Clarke QC MP, Lord Chancellor, Secretary of State for Justice for the UK. For Thursday 5th April this year.

I had to inform them of all the questions and possible questions I might ask him, 6 months in advance.

6 months ago:
Mr Clarke's first assistant, The Rt Hon Lord McNally Minister of State for Civil liberties, Freedom of Information, data protection, Crown Dependencies, HM Land Registry, National Archives, & Law Commission's secretary informed me that would be taking part as substitute for The Right Honourable Kenneth Clarke, who was too busy due to the pressure from his workload.

5 months ago:
But he had to cancel due to pressure of work, and rearranged the meeting for me to talk with The Rt Hon Nick Herbert MP Minister of State for Criminal justice strategy.

4 months ago:
Who in turn had to cancel due to pressure of work, and rearranged the meeting for me to talk with Crispin Blunt MP Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State Prisons, probation, & youth justice.

3 months ago:
Who in turn had to cancel due to pressure of work, and rearranged the meeting for me to talk with Jonathan Djanogly MP, Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Legal aid, HM Courts Service, civil law, family law, coroners and burials.

2 months ago:
Who in turn had to cancel due to pressure of work, and rearranged the meeting for me to talk with his first secretary, Hadleigh Sebastian Brownfinger BA.

1 months ago:
Who in turn had to cancel due to pressure of work, and rearranged the meeting for me to talk with his assistant secretary Sheriden Cuthbertson.

1 week ago:
Who in turn had to cancel due to pressure of work, and rearranged the meeting for me to talk with his secretaries second assistant secretaries clerk, Vladimir Chygrynskiy-Corsikoff.

Two days ago:
Vladimir Chygrynskiy-Corsikoff had to cancel due to pressure of work, and rearranged the meeting for me to talk with his Caretaker's Assistant Duane Elvis Cooper.

Yesterday:
Being a Nottingham born and raised reporter, I had a little difficulty in finding the exact spot where the meeting was to take place, but I soon got passed the protection officers and security men and found the bench in the Soho Square Gardens where I was to meet Mr Cooper.
Who assured me he was fully qualified to answer any questions regarding the Police Service on behalf of Vladimir Chygrynskiy-Corsikoff, Sheriden Cuthbertson, Hadleigh Sebastian Brownfinger, The Rt Hon Nick Herbert, The Rt Hon Lord McNally, and The Right Honourable Kenneth Clarke.

In fact he seemed quiet pleased to do so, as they were raising his hourly rate to £6.78 for the duration of the interview.

I kicked off with:
"With your having to take so many thousands of police officers from other areas to police the Olympics, do you think that crime will flourish in those areas where the villains know there are so many fewer police personnel on duty?"

Duane:
"Well, they have informed me that they intent to re-employ many of the retired officers, to cover for the period of absence of regular policemen!"

Me:
"Wherever do you think they are going to get them from?"

Duane:
Ah, well I have some minutes from the last meeting when they discussed this..." He rummaged in his haversack, and produced a Noddy covered notebook, then continued;
"Er.. let me see... oh yes, the Minister intends to get in touch with Nick Rowan and Oscar Blaketon ex-Yorkshire force men, Sgt. Lynch, PCs Quilley, and Steele, along with Det. Sgt. Watt and Det. Chief Insp. Barlow ex-Liverpool force... sorry.. service. Supt Mullett, DC Toolan, and DI Jack Frost ex-Denton Police, PCs Tony Stamp, Reg Hollis and Nick Slater along with D.C. Alfred 'Tosh' Lines from the London police, and they may use Hetty Wainthropp ex-Darwen private investigator!"

As I was informing him that all of the personages he mentioned were actually fictitious character's from TV series, the place was suddenly abuzz with armed security men, dogs, snipers appeared in the trees, and a police chopper circled overhead!

Unbeknown to them, it appears that The Right Honourable Kenneth Clarke had been in Norman's Coach & Horses on Greek Street just down the road, belting down the single malts and chewing on cigars, and had decided to come along himself after all.

When Duane told him of the glitch in his plans to recruit the said ex-officers, he belched, and said:
"Armholes! Nobody tells me anything. Damned young whipper-snappers!"

The interview was cancelled.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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