Written by armfeetandtoe

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Wednesday, 4 April 2012

image for Who stole the Isle of Wight? Part the first Mr Grongle points out the missing Solent

Mr Gongle stood at the window of his bungalow and raised the telescope to his eye.

"Fuck me Maude!" He cried, "Some bastards nicked the Solent!"

"What you going on about Eric" Said his wife, as she placed the breakfast tray on the table.

"The fuckin Solent has been stolen some bastard has had it away with the whole lot!"

"Whatever gives you that idea Eric, you been drinking the Cuban brandy again?"

"No you silly cow! The fuckin water has gone, nothing there, except a few trees"

"Shall I call the police and let them know" said Maude.

"Yes, I'm going down the front to see what's happened, where's me hat and coat?"

With that, Eric Gongle made his way down the winding road to the beach. On arriving, he was stunned to find no water but a large jungle set out before him.

Captain Puddle stood on the bridge deck and scanned the horizon. "Fuck me!" he cried,

"Beg pardon sir" replied Harold Spong, his number two.

"The Island has gone!" shouted Puddle.

"It is a bit foggy sir" advised Spong.

"Foggy you fuckin prat, the island has sunk!" exclaimed Puddle.

Home Secretary, Sir Bean Bagg was about to dip his bread soldier in the egg when the phone rang.

"Bagg here can I help?"

"It's me Bagg, get your arse down to Southampton".

"Yes Prime Minister, what's wrong?" replied Bagg.

"Some inconsiderate bastard has stolen the Isle of Wight!" shouted the prime minister.

"It is foggy this time of the morning David" answered Bragg.

"Not that foggy you twat!" roared his boss.

In a greasy spoon café on the Mile End road, Archie Stamp was enjoying a plate of cholesterol.
He was about to take a sip of his tea when a figure standing beside his table spoke.

"Hello Archie, know anyone that's selling a small island on the black market?"

"Oh! It's you Inspector Morose I thought you were the grim reaper, that's why I didn't look up" replied Archie placing a cigarette in his mouth.

"Very funny" said the Inspector sitting at the table.

"Look" offered Archie "I know I sell the odd dodgy watch now and again, but an island!"

"Yes, an island that the Queen was going to visit at the end of the month" sighed Morose.

"Are we talking about a big island or a spit off the south coast" asked Archie.

"We are talking about the Isle of Wight" replied Morose.

"Easy, the Argentinians have had it away with the pile" advised Archie.

"Why the Argies?" enquired Morose.

"Cos we nicked the Falklands off them" smiled Archie.

"But how did they do it?" asked Morose biting down on a sausage.

"Help yourself, oh you have…..They must have unchained it during the night and towed it away in the early hours of the morning under the cover of fog and mist" replied Archie.

"That fog can be quite bad this time of year" mused Morose.

"Give me a couple of day's inspector, and I might be able to locate the island" offered Archie.

"Cheers mate, the commissioner is doing his nut" replied Morose as he left the table.

A pair of Jack Tars ceased rowing and opened a bottle of rum. Neither of them said, "Yo ho ho".

"Fuck me Bert, we did it" exclaimed Ron.

"How we managed to slide under Tower Bridge I will never know" replied Bert.

"Are you sure it will be safe tied up alongside Kew Gardens?" enquired Ron.

"Stand on me Ron, my brother in law will keep it under wraps till we get the

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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