Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Saturday, 24 March 2012

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Extracts from a selection of story outlines that came frighteningly close to becoming Hollywood movies...

Edmund turned the key in the ignition and the tired old Toyota coughed into life. "Bloody wreck!" He silently swore.

"Please just get me to Leicester. Please.

"All right… never mind," he calmed himself. "We'll stick it to those bastard Yorkists at Bosworth, I get in good with Henry, then we'll see about a new car. Yup… 1485 is going to be a good year."

***

The Cathedral loomed massive, magnificent, awe-inspiring… it stood for everything he had ever believed in.

Could he go through with it?

Nothing would ever be the same… but there had to be change, didn't there?

The thing he loved, cherished, lived for was rotten to the core, made vile by venal, money-grabbing sinners.

No! He must act. Now.

Martin Luther parked the Audi, took his Bosch PSR 7.2 volt cordless screwdriver, approached Worms Cathedral and carefully screwed his work to the door.

***

The old monk sat at his desk, thoughtful. "Yes, I can do this."

"Boy! Put on a pot of coffee, I'll be working long and late. Fetch my laptop and connect it to the printer."

Bede smiled to himself. His work would provide the English with a history and an identity for the ages…

***

He surveyed the scene... carnage everywhere. This was too close to call.

"Where's the bloody RAF?" Wellington demanded of his aides. "You did say Waterloo, didn't you? Brussels... Belgium? They must strafe Bonaparte's artillery now!"

***

The Dutchman sank back deeper into the sofa and pulled his wife closer to him as they relaxed and watched themselves on the TV news, munching their pizza (he loved American Hot).

It had been a good day. Now, after all, he was King of England.

"What are you smiling about, Bill?" Mary asked.

"I dunno... it's just... it's just that it's been a good revolution, hasn't it?"

"Glorious, Billy. Glorious."

***

And there it was... 500,000 hits. He couldn't fail now... half a million people had seen the blog and the overwhelming majority approved.

"Third time lucky," Lord Grey thought to himself. "OK, Parliament, get ready for the Great Reform Act!"

***

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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