Written by Backandtotheleft
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Thursday, 22 March 2012

A new website www.grannies.web has been launched. And no; it's not a porn site featuring the old women from Derby. It's a website that is full of old timey things that will keep old people entertained for hours. Then again if they've got dementia it might keep them occupied for months. Back and to the Left news went on the site to find out what all the news was about.

And just to be clear this is NOT a porn site. We know because we checked every page.

Here (in our opinion which is never wrong) is the five best things about the website.

1. A guide in how to allow unannounced visitors into your home. A beautifully laid out step by step guide in inviting partially uniformed men into your home. It goes through all the major stumbling blocks that stop people from gaining entry into houses, including getting rid of the chain on the door, leaving valuables in plain sight and turning your back at convenient moments.

2. The falling on ice section contains a step by fall (pun intended) guide on travelling in cold weather. Accurate real life pictures show the elderly how best to shuffle through the snow, hopefully catching their feet on hidden traps. The best part of this section is a diagram of a frozen puddle with markers put in to show geriatrics which parts of the puddle will be best for slipping on.

3. A I-phone app the old folk can download showing the 10 best places to queue in their area. The list includes post offices, butchers and pharmacies.

4. A lingo guide to help them through their repeated muggings at gunpoint by the disenfranchised youth.

5. A who's who of celebrities they might spot on TV and a small biography. A few choice examples are:-

• Katie Price- Probable real life sex doll, no talent just tits.
• Simon Cowell- Man in charge of what we get to see on the telly.
• Loose Women- Ancient sentient sea creatures who hate men.
• David Cameron- Man in charge of country.
• Ed Milliband- A man not in charge of his own bowel movements.
• Nick Clegg- Who?

As Back and to the Left news closed down the page and logged into our premium Red Tube account, our minds turned to our own grandparents and the financial rewards their deaths would bring. We came to the numbing decision that we would turn the machine off.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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