Written by Inchcock
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Wednesday, 21 March 2012

image for The Unintentional Nottingham Time Traveller reveals all! Currency introduced by Bartholomew Uttersthwaite

In 1952, a Nottingham resident and historian, Bartholomew Uttersthwaite (now 68), then an eight-year-old ankle-biter, started to design and build a Time-Machine (push-bike) in the coalhouse in the soot covered backyard of number 6 Brookfield Place, in Nottingham, next to the railway viaduct.

He takes up the story here himself... (oh where is he? Oh, at the WC again... I'll print a few more words then...)

He amassed much of the needs for the job, from local bomb sites, sewers, and jumble sales. (Ah, he's back, just parking his zimmer frame? Good!)

Bartholomew Uttersthwaite takes up the story here himself.

The Bartholomew Uttersthwaite Adventure:

Within about 12 months, I'd collected what I thought would be sufficient bits and pieces for me to build my very own push-bike, stored in the coalhouse, ready for my well known lack of mechanical skills to be applied.

My next task was to sort out some power to the coalhouse, for three reasons. One: I could fetch the coal in easier at night. Two: I could work on creating the bike in the coalhouse at night. Three: I'd found tons of electrical cable and connections on the bomb site while I was looking for abandoned bikes to nick!

Three years on, I'd completed the bike, and it was ready for testing out!

As I was lifting it out of the coalhouse, I pulled at a cable that came loose and whipped around my neck - giving me a terrible electric shock, and I passed out.

I woke up with the bike at my side, in a place I did not recognise at all.

There were just marsh type lands, and a few caves in the distance at the bottom of some hills. It was cold, and very quiet apart from the wind that was emitting from my rear end.

Confused, I wandered over towards the caves, and what I now know to be naked pre-historic cave personages came out of the caves, saw me, and looked as confused as I was.

The first man said: "Ug wuvagassuvagu urp!"

Me: "Er.. can you tell me where I am please Sir?"

2nd man: "Ug, duvagawg! (Grunting excessively)"

Me: "Sorry I don't understand..."

At this point the first man said 'Ug urp huh og!" and belted me over the head with a wooden club.

I came to again, this time in a cave, with a 7' 6" muscular hairy female fondling my attire as she nursed me on her knee. While giving me an approving look as she took out my winkle, and said "Ug argh erp!" and suddenly I felt at ease!

That seemed to confuse the others somewhat. Later I became her pet.

After a few months of trying to teach them English, I gave up, and let them teach me 'Ug' instead, it was easier.

I assumed I had somehow been transported back in time. So here I was, a young lad with a new family, and little hope of ever back to my real home - it didn't matter, I was blissfully happy here, despite the odd raid by the dinosaurs!

I named the female who had taken to me, Griselda Ug.

By the time I was about 12 years of age, the cave-gang were communicating with each other, and Grizelda was hiring me out to the other females for a turnip a go!

One sad day, during a thunder storm, I was trying to repair the bike, and woe of woes, I was struck with lightning!

I found myself in the middle of a main road in Nottingham, presumably where the coalhouse used to be, with traffic skidding to miss hitting me, one crushing my rusty push-bike.

The drivers seeing my naked form and confused look (only the men drivers, the lady drivers just laughed out loud) had fear on their faces!

A policeman approached me and said:

"Now then, what have we here then?"

I replied: (Grunting excessively) "Ug wuvagassuvagu uvagugluvagy urp!"

"You sound like a teenager not an old man" he said.

I looked at my reflection in the fire-bombed shop window.

By God I thought, I'm wearing glasses and two hearing aids, gone bald, and I had pains throughout my entire body!

I was taken to the Queens Medical Centre in Nottingham.

I discovered it was March 2012.... blimey, I was 67 years of age!

They didn't believe I'd been time travelling at all - because they had my medical record on computer of two Duodenal ulcers, 27 broken bones, Impetigo, Urticaria, Neurasthenia, Chilblains, Cancer of the bladder, Pituitary gland tumours, DC electrocution, AC electrocution, nine dog bites, one cat bite, Fifteen Burns, Multiple Bee stings, Cancer of the prostate, Heart failure, four skull fractures, a gunshot wound, Double pneumonia, Arthritis, and almost being drowned - at least I wasn't aware of them until now!

I've been trying to mend the push-bike in the hopes of getting back to Griselda, but no luck so far, and I've electrocuted myself five times... no luck!

I thought I might sell my story to the News of the World, but that's gone now!

So I offered Mark the Spoof's owner 10/- to let me publish it here. He said it should be 50p not ten shillings... but he took it anyway!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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