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Wednesday, 21 March 2012

image for All Our Yesterdays - "I'll Take Stalingrad. No Problem." - Hitler August 1942 This Man Failed In His Bid To Be Lord Mayor Of Stalingrad

Furious exchanges today in the Reichstag as Chancellor Hitler declared confidently that taking Stalingrad would not be a problem.

Herr Hitler responded to criticism of his plan to subjugate the Russian City in pursuit of control of the vast mineral wealth of the Caucasus by saying that the assault on the beleaguered city would reap dividends, and thus aid the war effort.

Plus, it would be one up the arse for Uncle Joe Stalin.

Railing against a number of quiet and somewhat subdued dissenters, the Fuehrer snorted like a big horse, and said:

"I don't know what people are worrying about. This'll be a piece of piss. Everybody crumbles under the march of the jackboot. We'll just breeze in, shoot some of the fuckers, and ship the undesirables off to the camps. It's worked everywhere else, and this won't be any different. I mean, what they gonna do? They're Russians - just peasants. We'll take the joint and then move on to Moscow and Leningrad. They're fucking idiotic names for cities anyway. Even I wasn't egotistical enough to rename Berlin as Hitlerstadt! Stalingrad my arse! They're probably all drunken homosexuals who shag sheep! It'll all be over in a month."

British Envoy to Stalingrad, Jonas Wales, reluctantly agreed with Herr Hitler as he stated:

"Old Adolph's made a good call here. I mean, it ain't like the Russkies is gonna put up much of a fight. They're not much of a fighting nation really. To be honest, I can see them waving the white flag as soon as the first Panzer Regiment appears in the distance. Across the fields. It's not like they're going to resist by fighting house to house in a city of rubble with expert snipers or anything. They ain't got the bollocks for that sort of thing. Fighting out the sewers and that. They're all too interested in the vodka."

"What I don't get about all this," said General Freidrich Paulus, operational commander. "Is all these doubters. I don't get that at all. The next thing these propoganda merchants will be saying is that my half million strong hitherto undefeated Sixth Army will become surrounded by a Soviet pincer movement, and that I will be left with little alternative other than to surrender. I mean, it isn't like we're going to be fighting to the last man, or the last bullet, or any of that nonsense. And we certainly aren't afraid of the cold - it'll be done and dusted way before winter sets in.

"You've got to laugh haven't you! Well, I certainly do. I often have a little chuckle to myself as I pour a glass of beer of a night as I listen Lord Haw-Haw. Next thing the subversives will be saying is that the Red Army will take Berlin, and the Fuehrer will shoot himself in the head in his bunker. It's all just too silly for words."

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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