with Prince Constantin Ferdinand Maria of Liechtenstein, Winner of the 'Landlocked Prince Who Most Resembles An Old Goat' Shield in 1998
First, a word from our patron:
'Salutations, sturdy goat-lovers. Here are some more facts about the goats. I trust that you will these goat facts enjoy without further ado:
1) Many are they who have heard of the military term 'gunboat diplomacy'. (Yes, I own that this is a naval term, not military, but I have restive generals to pacify, having only yesterday agreed that the budgets for the regimental goats are to be cut, and that two regiments must henceforward share the one goat.) But the phrase 'gungoat diplomacy' was coined by Vice-Admiral Kloppstinger of the Hungarian Navy. This was when he refused to accept a consignment of Patagonian Artillery Goats from the Argentine, after Parabola, the Argentine Commodore, laughed at the Hungarian Navy's war coracles while watching a flotilla of them exercise on the Danube.
2) The Fighting Goats of Khartoum are legendary. The only way to counteract these formidable goat-fighters is to play the trombone music in their midst. If Lord Kitchener's men had not possessed the crack Trombone Units at the Battle of Omdurman in 1898, they would not have been able to hold off the Fighting Goats of Khartoum and the Khalifa of Sudan would have been the victor. The fortunes of the goats are once again the hinges of our histories as they turn it.
3) The celebrated lady sufferingette, Emmeline Pankhurst, is famous for her work to achieve the Goats for Women, where she chained herself to Queen Victoria in a campaign for every woman in Great Britain a goat of her own to have. It is by this that each of the women in the UK today has her own goat as an helpmeet to aid in the polishing and soup-cookery. Also hanging up the washing-clothes, which sometimes the goat will eat as well as many a dishcloth! Do not leave your hat unattended Mrs Lady!
4) In 1736 was the very first inaugured in August Oxford and Cambridge Goat Race. Herein, the students would run along in a running relay race passing on a goat, which is thought to be a Miniature Oberhasli goat. The winner would win the trophy, which was a statue of Isis for the winner to win, who would win this Isis, the Egyptian Goddess of Magic and Fertility and Motherhood and Goats.
5) Isambard Kingdom Brunel the the engineer who first in a tunnel in Portsmouth was given birth to and then became a builder of bridges, in Wolverhampton in 1836 at the age of 30 his Top Hat was by a goat eaten off while he a breakfast in a lodgings house was having been eaten. It was it seems a Russian Don Goat which was bred for its skin being kept, by a landlady named Peg Legge which also being funny made the headlines of in the Wolverhampton Bugle & Argus front pages.
5) In the olden Fun Fairs circuses, these were the Goats Train as a precursors of the modern Ghost Trains, having inside them a number of angered goats, making the passengers the very Devil himself think there was inside the railway housing. Varied goats were being used, before the electric lights debuted. These the modern Ghost Trains ushered in and the goats were no more.
6) The world has a smallest big goat it is the Pygmy Giant Brindled Goat of Yemen. It lives near salt water and cannot be coaxed inland except the experienced coaxer is coaxing, and this using sea-weeds which it diets upon.
7) Coaxing the goat is an ancient art sadly being lost. It was first done by the Spartans who for their goats-coaxing were feared by the Greeks who could never a goat handle in the battle's heat, the Greeks being more in favour of a pig.
8) Dame Nellie Melba the singer of operas who was married all this time with Lord Beaverbrook but had the affairs with Philippe Duke of Orleans. This the affair it was ended after the night when Dame Melba who was filled with champagne, slept with 'Fifi' the goat, who was the acting goat acting the part of '2nd goat from the left' in the battle scenes. It was the battle scenes from Ratatouille's The Shoehorn in which they were singing, with Dame Melba playing Culotte opposite Campari who was acting as Garotte the Singing Cobbler. Dame Melba thinking the goat was Philippe Duke of Orleans was by his smell and his snoring disgusted, as well as by his beard offended and the affair was destroyed!
9) Bugger, we have the supply of goat-facts exhausted. Whatever shall we do? Will they accept non-goat facts to fill these, the last two positions? Surely not? But yes! Because nobody reads this rubbish, it is for us an opportunity. Hurrah for the non-goat facts!
10) Peppermint Oil is the principle currency of Upper Swiriwiwiland. The King is by the name 'Mint Imperial' known in a Palace there. The city is Bingogo-Bongo which has his Palace. Another is Bingo-Bingo. It is being called this after the Flemish missionary Jaap Idelswein who the game of Bingo introduced. This is now the National Game of Upper Swiriwiwiland. The cries of 'Housey-Housey' ring in the dusted streets of Bingo-Bingo at night.
11) Oh yes, we have another goat-fact recalled! My ancestor, Kaspar Mieningenschluber, the Kraubheim Liebfraumilcher of Lumpenburg, who was notably absent-minded, and also somewhat deafening by his age and saluting the Lumpenburg Tricolour at the firing of the ceremonial cannons every Friday afternoon, he thought that Frigler, his Chief Goatherd, was asking him to purchase some of the Mongolian Somersaulting Goats. Whereas it was that Herr Frigler was telling of the goats which were assaulting the public in the Ornamental Gardens. These Mongolian goats proved to be a mistake indeed which were famous for their leaps and tumbling out and down from the roofs. My ancestor, Kaspar Mieningenschluber, the Kraubheim Liebfraumilcher of Lumpenburg, was soon the loss of three footmen, an equerry and a blancmange-taster to these goats bewailing in an epistle to the French goat-whisperer Herge Pericarp who was sadly killed by a swollen mule on his journey from Arles to Lumpenburg. Hence the Mongolian Somersaulting Goats continued to somersault. Who could hold them?
12) Here we have twelve facts which is more than we have bargained for.*
"And so once again we reach the end of our 'Goat Fest', dearest goat-fancier and reader of goat-facts. Until we once again meet in 'Goat-Brotherhood', I bid thee adieu, and it only remains for me to proffer the ancient salute of the Liechtenstein Goatherder:
*Not twelve because number nine was not a proper fact, or, as the goat-keepers of the Ardennes would have it, a 'fact-propre'. And what about number twelve?**
**But even eleven is a goodly crop of facts when we are having the cuts of our budgets to embrace (though it is ten really).***
***The fact that one fact was not a goat-fact notwithstanding (so is it nine?).****
****Do we really know for sure?