Written by Inchcock
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Sunday, 18 March 2012

image for What can we expect in the Newspapers in 2062! Hundreds of citizens queuing to see the first shop opened in Nottingham for over 29 years!

What can we expect from the Newspapers (if there are any trees left by then) in 2062?

If prices go up at the same rate as they have done for the last 50 years?.....

Adverts in 2062:

Cameron-Clegg Almalgamated Food Mega-Stores
(Originally Tesco & Sainsbury's util William Hague bought them out and gave the company to Cameron and Clegg as a Christmas present in 2045)

This weeks offers!

Blair's White Sliced Bread
Only £184 a loaf!

300g tin of Osborne's Mackerel (in water recycled no more than eighteen times)
Only £53 each

Cameron's Own label Shortbread Biscuits 2gram packs
Cutback to only £49.99 each plus VAT @ the standard 85% rate

Clegg's Liberally filled Traitors Jammie Tarts Pack of 2
Only £29.99 a pack - buy two for £71.99

20ml K Clarke's Olde English Turnip Cider
Limited period only at $204.99 each

Ukranian/Lithuanian/Bulgarian Wine full bottle with added turpentine & de-icer booster!
25p

Caroline Spelman Book Stores:

Selection of cut-price Vintage Books:

William Hagues's 2016
"My Conquests in hotel bedrooms revealed!"
Price: £14,299.99 - Reduced to £14,299.98
Regrettably the high price is due to the publishers having to pay 5p publishing rights to relatives of each of the persons named in the book - Julian, Tarquin, Nigella, Lucien, Grzegorz, Wojtec, Angelico, Dominique, Augustyn, Vladimir, Adrian, Stanislav, Attilio, Saboor, Zulqurnain, Charles, Chygrynskiy, Jeremy, Enzo, Quinton, Gabriel, Sheridan, Cuthburt, Fitzwilliam, Hadleigh, Sebastian, Dorian, Crispin, Montague, Aloysius, Cecil, and Clive.

Dr Vincent Cable's 2015
Life in prison - How I backhanded my way to Freedom!
Price: £237.99 - Down to £237.98

Ffion Hague's 2013
William's Personal Assistants - How I got my own back!
Price: £305.50 - Down to £304.29

Vladimir Bartlomiej Ivanovic's 2024
How both of the English football players in the league are ruining the game!
Price: £947.29 - Down to £499.99 + agents fee of 25%

Ed Miliband's 2014
My Two years as Leader of the Labour Party
Price: £105.99 - Buy two for £1.50

Nick Clegg's 2012
How I killed the Liberal Democrat Party
Price: Any offers considered

David Cameron's
My political Lies of the past two years - 2014
Price: Volume One - 199 pages - £250 + 2000% VAT
Price: Volume Two- 220 pages - £255 + 2000% VAT
Price: Volume Three- 245 pages - £256 + 2000% VAT
Price: Volume Four - 256 pages - £257 + 2000% VAT
Price: Volume Five - 268 pages - £258 + 2000% VAT
Price: Volume Six - 289 pages - £259 + 2000% VAT
Price: Volume Seven - 324 pages - £350 + 2000% VAT
Price: Volume Eight - 345 pages - £365 + 2000% VAT
Price: Volume Nine - 405 pages - £375 + 2000% VAT
Price: Volume Ten - 487 pages - £399 + 2000% VAT

Dive Clanton's Jnr. Car Sales Promotions:

1964 Austin A40 Mark 2 (Birmingham Made)
54,524,211 miles on the clock
Price: £149,245.00 Reduced for quick sale to £149,240.00

Indian Made Fusion powered Land Rover Discovery Mark654 - with a free spare wheel nut
25 miles on the clock
Price: £64225,245.05 - Reduced for quick sale to £64225,245.04!

Petrol Unleaded Turpentine mixture
Price: Down to only £250.29 Per litre, + 85% VAT - with a free spare wheel nut per 100 litres bought on Wednesdays between 0350hrs and 0420hrs!

Parliament Promotions Special Fund Raising Sale:

Type 56 Version 1054 Chinese assault rifle
2059 Gas-operated mechanism.
The exact one used in the attempted assasination of the Welsh Prime Minister Grzegorz Ivanovic in October 2045 in the village of Cardiff.
Price: £5,100 - Reduced for quick sale to £4,500, two complimentary wooden bullets supplied!

Vintage 2012 Framed photo of the greatest nepotist ever to be Prime Minister of the UK (David Cameron PM 2010 assassinated in 2012)
Photo of the current Prime Minister Henrique Malobodu's great great grandson David Cameron
Price: 50p + 2000% VAT.

Original 2012 Official Document Kenneth Clarke's 'How I helped Law & Order to Survive'
Scribbled on the back of a 2012 whisky stained cigar ash covered Government Ministers Expense Claim form in his own hand writing.
Price: £205 - Reduced to £199 + 2000% VAT.

News Headlines

Expenses Express Enquirer:
Minister of Pension's & Expense Form Filling Hafez Gulbodeen Lower's retirement age in UK to 85!

Ali's Pizza Press:
UK Minister of Education Pazhwaak Rahimi instructs teachers to reintroduce English lessons!

Nottingham Big Issue:
To citizens of Nottingham found not be Alcoholics - being investigated!

Views of the World:
Weekend Riots cancelled for visit of UN Secretary General Colonel Juan!

BNP - NF & EDL Amalgamated Press:
Our Candidate at the local Upper Denture elections did not lose his deposit! (He didn't pay it)

NHS Times:
No UK hospitals closed down this week! Unconfirmed report!

Lynton Times:
Paris: Pensioner caught importing PG tips tea into the country - sentenced to 15 years hard labour.

Nottingham News:
Muggings down to 155 a day in Nottingham! The two Police Officers of the city force claim!

Liberal-Democrat Broadsheet:
Mass meeting of Lib-Dem supporters held at the Albert Hall yesterday. Both of the attendees were returned to the asylum afterwards by Boy Scouts, who had to be seconded from their normal duties of riot control and parking ticker issuing.

The Daily Benefit Seekers Gazette:
Shop opens in Nottingham!
There was celebrations in the City Centre this morning, with hundreds of citizens queuing to see the first shop opened in Nottingham for over 29 years. Despite their not having any money to spend. It lifted the spirit of the place, and was a site for sore eyes to see so many Nottinghomean's shop lifting to their hearts delight.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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