Written by David Grant

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Saturday, 17 March 2012

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The time is 6 pm, and my location is Leeds, West Yorkshire, England. I have been commissioned by this magazine to investigate the British phenomenon of binge drinking. I will be reporting my experiences electronically in real time to our head office.

Unfortunately, to infiltrate this world, I need to drink copious amounts of alcohol. This will enable me to be totally accepted by the local sharp-witted victims of this disorder. Although there were a surprising number of volunteers for this dangerous assignment, my experience as a seasoned reporter seems to have swayed the decision in my favour. Experts at the local wines and spirits retailer have suggested that I drink something called a single malt whiskey to achieve the desired condition.

7:20 pm: I drank my first double whiskey ten minutes ago. It will be a few hours before I take to the streets. As I watch TV, I notice how high Fiona Bruce's eyebrow is getting, and how ordinary she would look if it was normal.

8:00 pm: After downing another double, I feel more relaxed and I am waiting for the effects to take effect. That is an important point, because the effects in films nowadays are so amazing that these films like the one I am watching are just so amazingly expensive.

900 another drink another doollar. Shtarting to feel eeffects now and then. mush get dresssed and head forr the shtreets to invelagate tis phenomefon.

Unfortunately, this reporter was found collapsed at his home and choking on his underwear, with his trousers pulled over his head. We hope that he will be back at his desk in a few weeks. We ask that nobody tries to copy his heroic exploits as he is an expert.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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