Written by armfeetandtoe
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Friday, 16 March 2012

image for Lynton, Erskin and Inchcock. The Race Part four Danton discovers there are no testicles

Skoob gave C.J. a nudge in the back that sent him forward onto the unsuspecting commuter.

"So sorry" said C.J as he squirted the milky substance on the back of the man's coat.

Lifting his black pork pie hat, Skoob bade the poor man "Adieu" and started to run in the direction of away. Not far behind him, an out of breath C.J caught up. "You twit, I nearly sprayed myself"

"Don't stand near me then, I'm not getting covered in bird shit" said a worried Skoob.

"If I get it, so do you and I can run faster" answered C.J.

The two cads hid behind a sizable hedge and watched the man walk a few yards before being attacked by several species of bird. Sparrow blackbird and starling diving and defecating on the now frantic guinea pig. It was all he could do to keep a grip on his briefcase. After five minutes the birds departed.

"Blimey" said an astonished Skoob, "It worked".

"And that was only a dab, imagine what will happen when we spray the Groucho's" enthused C.J.

The lawn mower and its cargo of off the peg humans hurtled down the Bayswater side of Hyde Park.
Pinxit continued to cross himself and rub the St Christopher he had hanging round his neck.

"Why does he keep doing that?" asked Lynton.

"His father was a Nun in the east end" said Inchcock.

"No he was not" smiled Clive.

"He was" confirmed Erskin, "Whenever his father was in court and the magistrate asked if he had a job, he would answer, "Nun".

"Why do I fall for it every time" Sighed Clive.

"Because you listen to it" laughed Lynton.

Monkey Woods lowered his telescope. "Why is there a policeman lying across the path?" he asked.

"Is he asleep?" enquired Erskin.

"Yes he is" replied Monkey.

"All together!" shouted Inchcock.

"It's a sleeping policeman!!" They shouted and fell about laughing.

Pinxit slowed the lawn mower to a stop just short of the recumbent police officer. The party dismounted and approached the body as quietly as they could.

"Why we being so quiet" asked Clive.

"I have an outstanding parking ticket" said Erskin.

"You on the run then" enquired Monkey.

"He has been on the run since nineteen sixty" offered Inchcock.

"Really!" hissed a surprised Clive.

"We were in Tangail Bangladesh and dippy over there chained his cycle to the gates of Dhanbari Mosque while we went and had lunch in the Gazipur diner. When we came back, there were two thousand Muslims waiting for him to collect his bike. Erskin was nicked for obstructing the gates of one of the oldest buildings in the district" explained Lynton.

"So he did not pay the fine then" asked Clive.

"No" answered Lynton. "We legged it onto a panshi nauka and sailed down to Chittagong".

"But the police in Bangladesh have no jurisdiction in England" said Clive.

"I know" whispered Lynton. "Don't tell Erskin though".

"Why?" asked a puzzled Clive.

"I told him my uncle had influence in Bangladesh and could keep him out of jail for a small consideration each week, he gives me a tenner every Monday morning, without fail" giggled Lynton.

"That's very naughty Lynton" Smirked Clive.

"Not really, I have been investing it in a portfolio account and when the old duffer retires I will don a tin helmet and hand him a cheque for at least twenty six thousand pounds" replied Lynton.

"Fuck me!" shouted Clive.

"I beg your pardon" said an indignant Erskin.

"Wash your mouth out with saddle soap" hissed Inchcock.

"Sorry" replied a sheepish Clive "I stood on a nail.

"Don't cut them so short" offered Lynton.

The gang gathered around the body lying on the pathway. Each member gave the officer gentle but firm kicks or prods in anticipation of a reaction, when none arrived, Inchcock took charge.

"Right, lets squeeze his testicles, if he does not respond, we move him and carry on".

"Danton, grabbing of the coppers knackers, grab!" ordered Erskin in his best military voice.

"Why me?" pleaded Clive.

"Because you are the youngest and have a potty mouth" explained Inchcock.

"Assume the position Danton" smiled Lynton.

Clive bent down and searched for the crown jewels that adorn the nether regions of the male species.

"He has not got any" said Clive standing up.

"What!" exclaimed Erskin "No meat and two veg?"

"Are you sure he has not got the last turkey in the butchers shop?" asked Lynton.

"Do you mean to say the bald bouncers have escaped from the sack?" cried Inchcock.

"Yes" asserted Clive "And what's more, I have got a splinter!"

From behind the bushes, Skoob and C.J. began to spray their chemical bird attractor. The misty liquid fell heavy on the preoccupied gaggle of friends. What possibly could go wrong now they had discovered that the sleeping policeman was in fact, a wood manikin dressed in a police uniform?

"Hello Arm" said Inchcock "When did they let you out?"


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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