Written by Clive Danton
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image for Cyber Bullying Drove Me Into The Arms Of The Firm's Cat. A Cyber Bully Trying To Look All Innocent

Once again last night the unpleasant topic of bullying via the internet was brought to the fore as a man revealed that months of goading and tacit threats on a popular spoof newspaper bulletin board had left him an emotional wreck who then sought solace through a tawdry gay affair with the cat where he works.

Cliff Denton 21 a motor vehicle technician of 50 Green Street, Upton Park, London E13. Tel 198674534. Mob. 765438930. asked that his details be kept secret to protect both himself and his family from further attacks.

His voice continuously breaking with emotion he told me. "It all began innocently enough about 6 months ago when I decided to join a spoof newspaper and write a couple of mildly amusing articles just for the fun of it, and to be fair everything went quite well and I was given a really warm and friendly welcome by all my fellow writers.

"However things took a turn for the worse after I pissed all over everybody in a series of writing competitions. It was almost embarrassing how easily I found it to win by an absolute country mile time after time.

"I first realised something wasn't quite right after one of the other writers, a geezer called Skoob, who routinely enters about 20 stories in the vain hope of winning a compo by law of averages, started making a few snidey and hurtful comments about my hat. He called it " a dodgy old titfer" and said it made me look like "a billiard ball in a toupee"

"At first I thought he was just being friendly and having a bit of banter with me but then it started to get quite nasty and he said West Ham were a really crappy team and that Bobby Moore was an arse bandit and a two bob jewelry thief.

"The next few months were a living hell to be honest and I found my performance at work and even in the bedroom beginning to suffer, with my guvnor threatening to give me a written warning and the missus getting on with the knitting while I was giving her the good news on a Saturday night.

"Then one day at work I was laying despondently under a Honda Civic Type R reading The Sporting Life when the firm's cat, Torque Bar Tony came over to where I lay and began rubbing himself against my leg in an affectionate manner. Almost instantaneously I felt the hot blood coursing through my veins and I suddenly realised how damnably attractive he was.

Before I knew it we were sharing a tin of Tuna and Beef Jellymeat Whiskas and lapping milk from an old hubcap. All the torment and fear of the last few months seemed to melt away and I let my inhibitions fly out the window as we romped naked together in the inspection pit. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

The next few weeks were spent in a heady, halcyon blur as we spent every spare, precious moment in each others company, picking bits of old fishbones from dustbins, scratching the roofing felt from people's sheds and going to the toilet in flower pots. I can honestly say they were the happiest and most carefree times of my entire life.

But in my heart of hearts I knew my happiness couldn't last and I ended up shooting him up the arse with an air rifle after I caught him having a clearout in my onion patch.

If you've been affected by cyber bullying or there's something you'd like to discuss after reading this article please contact The Spineless Milksop Helpline and they'll send a couple of heavies round to extort money from you and make lewd remarks to your wife.


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