Written by Backandtotheleft
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Thursday, 8 March 2012

After the sacking of AVB from CFC by "Red Rom", Back and to the Left news pays tribute to the boy who walked into a man's dressing room; and consequently got abused by the adults he found there. Here are ten little known facts about AVB:

1. AVB was originally called ABC but changed his name so he wouldn't get confused with the already famous English alphabet.

2. His first job in football was to clear up all the dog dirt from the local playing pitches. Even then his analytical genius shone through as he would place the sealed bags in order of most healthy sample to least.

3. He is completely unable to see Chileans. It's a kind of colour blindness but with nationality.

4. He was born without any eyebrows. They say the ones he wears now are a gift from Jose Mourinho, because AVB doesn't trust those who can't lift one eyebrow then another. They are woven from camel hair, lined with sequins, and cost an estimated 75 quid each.

5. He is not ticklish and believes those who are, are weak.

6. One of his legs is false. He won't tell anybody which one it is (one could argue it may have been a contributing factor in his sacking).

7. AVB's ambition was to become the first person to ride around Stanford Bridge on the back of Didier Drogba. However when he met the big man face to face, AVB was too shy to ask.

8. During his time at Chelsea it became tradition for John Terry to tuck AVB into bed every night, then Frank Lampard read his favourite bedtime story "Goodnight Moon".

9. AVB has no nipples. Whether he was born like this or had them surgically removed is a source of constant speculation.

10. With almost precognitive abilities, AVB didn't bother buying a house in London. AVB preferred to sleep at Chelsea's training ground and live out of boxes. He was quoted as saying "I'm not going to unpack everything just to pack it all up again in a few months time".

Now that's a gut feeling Red Rom wished he had when signing a certain Spaniard.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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