Written by Inchcock
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Monday, 19 March 2012

image for Advice, Support, & Tips for Security Guards - from Inchcock - Part Three The SIA's real aim was to provide this for the Government!

Copied from the author's first and Editors Advice Page, of his 'Inchcock Monthly Guards Gazette', Issue 144, published in August 2009.

(When I say published, he produced it and ran off a few copies for his fellow Security Officers at the Company he worked at who made him redundant through no fault of his own at 62 years of age, and he was the only employee on the firm never to have taken a day off or been late in the nine years he was serving them, and averaged 75 hours a week over his last Christmas period... just thought I'd mention this! Bitter? Me!)

Designed with the intention of avoiding any ratification of undo artificially contrived pseudo ridden intentional disinformation, and hogwash created with the obvious intent of being ambiguous, beguiling, bewildering, and casuistical, informative, and extremely naive in the extreme, due to the torpid, lethargic, retarded brain power available

Advice for new and old Security Officers

From the experiences of others

If you make designs on being a popular, successful, financially secure, or buoyant employee... Forget it!

Security guards of all standing who foolishly harbour such dreams, fantasies, and hankerings will find themselves ibidem. (In the same position)

If your immanentism (belief in an immanent or permanent god) is money, you will fail miserably and exasperatingly.

The status, eminence and integrity of Security Officers will forever be that of abandonment, contemptible, despicable, ignoble, crude, inconsequential, ineffective, and considered to be indign (unworthy, disgraceful, unseemly) in the extreme, by clients, management, emergency services, and the *SIA-Government.

There can never be any induciae between Security Officers and the SIA-Government - it will always be one way traffic.

The SIA insist they are the indwell (existing within as a guiding force) to the small private security providing industry. Poppycock, balderdash, piffle, blather, bunkum, claptrap, drivel, garbage, twaddle, baloney, and bilge... Yes.. Crap!

What do we get in the other direction... Instead of the current SIA take - We Give? Zilch!

OK, we get the right to work in the industry - we had that before the introduction of this government backed quango/authority, who think nothing of paying their top snobs over £200,000 a year!

Does it make you sick? Their inequity, nepotism and hauteur alone should!

If we are to attain even a slight level of vagility in this mad mad nihilistic industry, something must be done, before they achieve their obviously Government, and financial institution backed original plan to destroy the small private security providing industry, to leave the pickings to the big five suppliers they Government Ministers have shares in!

Here's the rub - there is nowt we can do about it!

If the average small security providing industry employee was capable of working and holding down a job where they can get overtime rates - enough pay to live on doing 60 hours a week - no sick pay - or respect... They would not be here working in the small security providing industry.

The only thing to do is to press on and do your best, keep yer gob shut, - and if you would like to keep a few little hopes of improvements coming your way..

Why not!

After all we hoped we'd win the world cup when Spendyouron Ericcson became manager?

We thought crime was decreasing until it was revealed that the Government was fiddling the figures as well as their expenses?

We thought the Government meant it when they said they were going to get tough on crime?

I have sent a e-mail to the Government regarding the SIA, and got a super snotty reply, written by a very clever wordsmith, who managed to tell me to mind my own business, in such a way that it didn't say that!

The SIA exist for the Government!

* Security Industry Authority. This article was obviously written in a heartfelt way by the author at the time of the SIA's creation. He evidently was not taken by this Quango of nepotistic perdonages!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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