Written by Inchcock
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Thursday, 15 March 2012

image for Advice, Support, & Tips for Security Guards - from Inchcock - Part Two Collection of confiscated Teddy Bears in the Security Control Room

Copied from the author's 'Editors Advice Page', of his 'Inchcock Monthly Guards Gazette', Issue 121, published in August 2008.

(When I say published, he produced it and ran off a few copies for his fellow Security Officers at the Company he worked at who made him redundant through no fault of his own at 62 years of age, and he was the only employee on the firm never to have taken a day off or been late in the nine years he was serving them, and averaged 75 hours a week over his last Christmas period... Just thought I'd mention this! Bitter? Me!)

Management Warning: Behavioural Expectancies from all Security Officers

We (the members of the Sawley Security Thumb Sucking Intellectually Advanced Prognosis & Correctionalisation Committee) have discovered through our ingenious, shrewdly, adroitly, deftly, and dexterously, executed clandestine undercover operations throughout the last month, have confirmed that certain personages has been showing enthusiasm.

This Must Stop!

This unmitigable situation, however you label it, ardour, fervour, fire, passion, zeal, zealousness, or commitment - it will not be tolerated under any circumstances.

These emotions must never replace the usual aloofness, apathy, coldness, indifference, lethargy, pessimism, weariness, dullness, hebetude, languidness, languor, lassitude, listlessness, sluggishness, stupor, torpidity, dullness, hebetude, languidness, languor, lassitude, leadenness, listlessness, sluggishness, stupor, torpidity, disinterest, unconcern and sod you attitudes that we have striven for so many years, with great persistence and endurance to install in all of our overpaid operatives.

It is imperative that you understand your obligation to avoid this, and realise the impeditive effect this can have on senior management.

Enthusiasm has been known about, but avoided by the company for years - because they know the damage it can cause - worry, fretting, and it serious cases it has been known to make management cry, and become suicidal.

So it is essential that you all continue with what you know best, and spread this around verbally throughout the workforce (Using the term Work loosely), as much as you can amongst your fellow imbeciles - and that is that henceforth, depression and morbidity are expected and required at all times.

Any Officers failing to carry out these instructions, will have their dummies, Teddy bears and jig-saw puzzles confiscated.


Inchcock. Senior Controller & Hearing-Aid Decoker.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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