Written by David Grant
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Sunday, 4 March 2012

image for Worst Ten Requests for a Raise Professor Fyred

The top 100 companies in America Have funded a Human Resource project looking at strategies for increasing personal income. Although there may be apparently good reasons to ask your boss for a raise, he or she may not always agree with you. Economics professor Hugh R. Fyred explains the top ten worst reasons you can give for a raise.

10. My Wife Wants a New Swimming Pool

Your boss's spouse would also like a new pool, and paying a dufus like you to remind him or her of it is probably the last straw. Don't be surprised if included with your severance pay you find a season ticket for the local swimming centre.

9. My Son Wants to See the World and Discover himself

Your son has just graduated, and you want to fund him in his quest to travel the world for a year before he starts work. You may "Discover" a letter of dismissal on your desk so that you can join him.

8. I Need Cosmetic Surgery

Even if you do, why should he bother? The way he sees it, surrounding himself with Butt-Ugly people can only make him feel better. It also lightens the mood when his golf buddies point at you and laugh.

7. My Mother in Law Needs an Operation

Come on, surely you don't think the boss will swallow that. You might as well tell him that pixies are living in your garden and you want to build a community centre for them.

6. I Give a lot to Charity

Then it is his money funding it and not yours. This is similar to your boss sending himself a card that says "Your money has been given to someone else who may laugh at you as he pockets it."

5. I Have a New Child

Your boss has probably come from a big family that was poor; all these self-made men and women have. You are more likely to have your salary cut so that your child is motivated to make it in this big, bad world.

4. I Have Moved Further Away From Work and Have Greater Travel Expenses

The only reason you have moved is because you have found a better and probably more expensive house. Your boss may suggest that you car-share with that guy who cleans the toilets.

3. I Need to Save for the Future

Why don't you just tell him that he is a cheapskate and that your pension is not enough.

2. Others Have Received a Raise

Never compare yourself with others and remind your boss of his reasons for not giving you a raise. You may nudge his memory back to the time they found you slumped with your head in the punch at the Christmas party.

1. I Have Been Head-Hunted by a Major Company

Yeah, and he is going to win American Idol. The fact that you are still here will mean that this is a ploy, and you will be butt-kicked by a major boot.

Professor Fyred found that those who were successful in getting a raise were hard working and contentious employees who had demonstrated their value to the company. Who would have guessed?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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