Written by Bianca Biassed
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Friday, 2 February 2007

Well, having spent over two years living in Turkey and practically emptying our bank account buying books, tapes, computer programmes etc. etc. in an attempt to get to grips with the confounded language we had to admit defeat. The embarrassment factor finally did for us. Out on the street we were gung-ho, jabbering away to all and sundry, but when we got home and realised that we'd told the neighbours that we hoped their salamis fitted into their trousers then it was time to call it a day.

Some lateral thinking was called for if we were going to communicate in any meaningful way.

Many Turks speak English and they definitely have more of a flair for languages than we have (we are British after all). So we decided that by far the easiest thing to do was to teach all the Turkish people in our town (population 60,000) to speak English.

So far, it's been going extremely well (if we leave out Fatma Ergun from the corner deli' who has such difficulty with conjugated verbs). The classes are well attended and we have been gratified by such enthusiasm, but we're beginning to wonder if it's because we pay them to attend.

Of course it has its drawbacks. Their manners are deteriorating for one thing "Awight mate" is not really a good substitute for "Good day, how are you?" but they insist on using the colloquialism. Also they have newly developed a habit of swearing, especially when they meet us, which is not very becoming.

However at least they are now speaking English like the rest of the world and that's progress ain't it?

I just hope that this doesn't turn out like the "Spanish Experiment" back in 1996 .......

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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