I am a kleptomaniac. My flat is like Aladdin's Cave. I have just come back from town with three lampshades, an electric blanket and a pork pie hat. I can hardly move for contraband. What can I do?
Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, neigh, hinny. Thoo's saddled wi' a bit of unbridled greed. Reign theesel in, lad, or thee whinny stay oot o' jail lang. Neigh hinny.
my neighbour is having an affair with the man who comes to clean their swimming pool. They think nobody knows about it but they don't fool me. They haven't even got a swimming pool. Her husband must be really thick. Do you think I should tell him what is going on?
Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, hinny. Thoo's jealous, but thoo must reign in thee desire for revenge. Whinny bide thee time. Let them curry on. Canter tell if it's a stable marriage? If she's hot to trot that's her concern. Mane thing is, if her marriage withers, let it ride, neigh neigh.
My windmill doesn't work if there's no wind. I am thinking of buying a wind machine to make it go if there's no wind. Do you think this would be a wise move? My wife said I was a "gormless twat". What do you think?.
Rodger St Leger
Robert Pattinson writes: Neigh, neigh. Whinny buy theesel a wind machine. Saddle only make it worse. Mane thing is, if ye get t'bit between thee teeth, canter not stop bein so sulky. Harness theesel, whinny rear up. T'wife's not giddy, nor a charioty. Ye'll just stirrup trouble an' not get thee oats canny lad neigh neigh.