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Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Stuart Pearce in the postmatch interview: "Well we got off to a decent start, but I think getting the third before half time was where we went wrong. It's always better to go in at 2-0 rather than 3. I made a few changes and they didn't seem to have the desired effect. Espescially after just 10 seconds in the 2nd half we went down to 10. My tactic of playing a second goalie then backfired, I was unaware that a second goalie was unable to handle the ball. Bringing Carson back into the international fold may have been a bit premature, but all in all I leave the match undefeated. I would also like to use this opportunity to retire from England management as the only undefeated coach in the history of the English national team."

MickeyOwen tweets: "I would like to announce I've come out of international retirement."

Joe_Optimo tweets: "Yes we might have been losing, but we didn't lose technically. We showed much more fight under Pearce, sure that probably resulted in the red cards, but it's a learning curve for all."

Brian Fairweather, Southend texts: "I knew Pearce would be the wrong choice, he has no international class. At least Capello had won major honours. He also had the greatest winning percentage in the history of England management. The FA were stupid to let him go."

Roy Keane says: "That's a disgrace, in all my years in football I've never witnessed such ill-discipline."

MATCH ABANDONED England A - A Holland
The game is abandoned in the 90th minute at 9 - 4 to Holland.

RED CARD Lescott, England (90 mins)
The tactic seems to work as Lescott runs all the way back with ball chased by Sneijder, before diving the ball just outside the area handling the ball as last man. He's given he's marching orders and despite Dutch protests, the games is abandoned.

SUBSTITUTION
Final substitution for England, he's going for this Lescott is on for Johnson.

RED CARD Parker, England (89 mins)
Parker was booked early in the second half amidst the mayhem, and has just received his marching order. One more red card and the match will be abandoned. Pearce seems to have realised this...

RED CARD Cahill, England (87 mins)
He goes in late and is shown a second yellow.

GOAL 2046: England 4 - Holland 9 Heitinga (86 mins)
Even worse for England as the Everton defender nods in a Sneijder corner.

Alan Shearer on 5 Live states: "I've been saying for a while that England are just not good enough to compete at international level. I even wrote an article before this match saying that England should write off all future international tournaments."
Here is that very article BBC blog

GOAL 2041 England 4 - 8 Holland Sneijder (81 mins)
Freekick to Holland after Robben is brought down by Cahill on the edge of the box. Cahill is booked, Sneijder bangs it in to the top corner.

GOAL 2034 England 4 - 7 Holland Robben (76 mins)
Robben dribbles past all 9 England players to score a wonder goal. The ball was even rolled out to him by Stekelnberg to start the move. Trademark.

2134: England have settled down since Milner's gone in goal, oops...

Extremo69 tweets: "I'm supporting Spain from now on."

Jessop Billington, Newcastle texts: "I can't even see England qualifying for the World Cup now. Bring back Capello!!!"

Freddy Martin, Plymouth texts: "This is the worst England performance I have ever witnessed. It's definetly the most embarrassing. Pearce should be banned from coaching ever again."

SUBSTITUTIONS 2127: After what can only be described as the worst performance in the history of sport, Carson is replaced with midfielder Milner.

GOAL 2126: England 4 - Holland 6 Carson o.g.(68 mins)
Embarrasing for all involved straight from the kick off Huntelaar tackles Downing from the kick off and shoots a pea roller from 50 yards. The ball slows and as Carson approaches it he swings to kick it, misses and the backswing off the kick sends the ball into his own net. It's not all bad though as Carson has prevented Huntelaar from scoring the fastest ever hat-trick.

GOAL 2125: England 4 - Holland 5 Huntelaar (67 mins)
Straight from the kick-off Robben pounces and sends through Huntelaar who clips over Carson.

GOAL 2124: England 4 - Holland 4 Huntelaar (66 mins)
Holland level again a magnificent header by the Milan forward, great work by Sneijder for this one as he sends over the cross.

SUBSTITUTION 2123: England put on Carson for Hart, like for like this time.

Joe_Optimo tweets: "Typical of Psycho, he's sheer passion has pulled us through the worst of it. Parker as captain what an inspired choice. These two combined will win us Euro 2012 on work ethic alone!"

GOAL 2122: England 4 - 3 Holland Parker (64 mins)
Out of nowhere England go back ahead with just nine men. The captain runs past from the halfway line, past one, two? no three Dutch players before striking past the keeper from 20 yards. Marvellous!

Joe_Pessimo tweets: "Same Old England. I was waiting for it to collapse in front of my eyes."

Alan Shearer on 5 Live says: "Truth be told I did have my reservations about Pearce before the game. He's been a bit naive with substitutions, but it's a learning curve for him."

GOAL 2016: England 3 - 3 Holland Van Persie (58 mins)
Confusion reigns in the England penalty area as neither keeper knows which one is the designated one. Green catches a routine cross, and the referee deems him as last man and sends him straight off. Questions have to be asked of Pearce's tactics there. England down to 9 men. Van Persie goes the other way, but still scores.

RED CARDGreen, England

PENALTY HOLLAND

SUBSTITUTIONS 2015: Pearce puts on Rob Green and takes off Frazier Campbell. He seems to be signalling to Green to join Hart on the goal line.

MickeyOwen tweets: "I would like to announce I've come out of international retirement."

John Optimist, Romford texts: "We're still winning, which is better than anything Capello ever acheived in his tenure. Even if we don't win, Pearce is a vast improvement!"

GOAL 2109: England 3 - 2 Holland Kuyt (51 mins)
Kuyt nips in at the near post to make the home fans very nervous now with much of the game remaining.

SUBSTITUTIONS
Before that goal was scored, England made 3 substitutions with Downing on for Young, Jones for Smalling and Campbell for Wellbeck

GOAL 2104: England 3 - 1 Holland Van Persie (46mins)
In the first 10 seconds of the second half England players are caught ball watching and Robin Van Persie is brought down by last man Baines. Van Persie brushes himself down and slots home.

RED CARD Baines, England

PENALTY HOLLAND

PsychoisGod tweets: "Stuart "Psycho" Pearce is a God, he has single handed saved England."

MickeyOwen on Twitter: "I would like to announce I've come out of international retirement."

A quick BBC poll suggests 95% of fans expect England to win Euro 2012. Of course there is a 5% margin for error on these polls.

Alan Shearer on 5 Live says: "I expected this from England, Capello just didn't work at all because noone could understand him. Is it any surprise as soon as an English manager is brought in we start winning games."
It is at this point he is challenged by Alan Green who says but didn't you write this article... BBC blog
Shearer responds "Yeah but that was before I knew Stuart Pearce was going to be in charge, I mean the man's proven. He played David James upfront for Man City don't you know. He's an innovator of the modern game."

HALF-TIME 2048: England 3 - 0 Holland
It's been all England, they've all but secured victory tonight and the majority of England fans are safe in the knowledge their team will be amongst the favourites for the Euros.

MarkWalters789 tweets: "England have now got to be favourites without Cap... I mean after this performance. We look totally rejuvinated, if we do win the Euros Pearce will be knighted."

Jack Spratt, Birmingham texts: "I can't see any reason now why we won't win Euro 2012 without Capello, I mean with Pearce."

GOAL 2042: England 3 - 0 Holland Wellbeck (41 mins)
It just gets better and better for the young Lions. Wellbeck gets the goal his performance deserves with a clipped finish after being put through by Gerrard.

Alan Shearer on 5 Live says: "I knew England had a chance with Pearce in charge and he's proved me right yet again. He needs to be given the job and fast."

Rod Serling, Surbiton texts: "I think Pearce should be given the job on a full term basis at half-time. This is the best England have ever played."

GOAL 2034: England 2 - 0 Holland Young(33 mins)
Comprehensive so far from England 79% possession, they're tearing the Dutch apart. This time a 95 pass move started by Ashley Young, who then pass to Wellbeck, who passes back to Young, who repeat the procedure a further 46 times, before Young strikes from 40 yards into the top corner.

MickeyOwen tweets: "I would like to announce that I've come out of International retirement with immediate effect. Yes I promise I did retire."

GOAL 2028: England 1 - 0 Holland Richards (27 mins)
England's dominance pays dividends as Barry spreads the ball out to the right, where a rampaging Richards chests the ball down and blasting it past Stekelnberg's near corner.

RichardLionheart66 tweets: "Much more positive from England, we're actually playing like a premiership football team for once. I like this new reigime a lot. I can see a new golden generation."

WOODWORK! 2017: England come close after a nice flowing pass moves ends up releasing Johnson on the right, before teeing up Gerrard who hits the bar.

Brian Fairweather, Southend texts: "This looks far more positive from England, the players are obviously much more comfortable under the guidance of Pearce than Fobio Crapello."

2009: England having the majority of possesion in the opening exchanges, looking quite composed and relaxed on the ball. No chances as yet though.

2001: England get the match underway at Wembley.

BillyWright tweets: "Why not start Downing instead of Young, Young never delivers on the international stage, whereas Downing never gets a chance."

1948: Welcome to Live Text, where we'll be following all the action from England's first post-Capello match against Holland. Stuart Pearce takes the reins, preparing to show the FA just how capable he is in taking on the role full time.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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