Written by David Grant
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Wednesday, 29 February 2012

image for Uncertainty Principle Turns Scientists into Chronic Gamblers "Come on Higgs" (actor)

The world of science is in uproar over revelations of gambling among high level physicists. I discovered the scale of the problem by talking to one of the victims.

Quantum mechanic Floyd Gluon* put down his tiny monkey wrench and ushered me into his office for a secret interview.

He revealed to me that what started as an experiment soon turned into an ugly habit.

"Some of us guys got together and reasoned that if those mathematicians could clean up in Vegas, why can't we do something similar?"

Apparently, the idea was to reinforce the outcome of their horse winning by only looking at it when it was leading and looking away when it fell behind.

"We were using the quantum principle of an observation altering the outcome. Sadly, we soon found out that everyone else was doing the same thing anyway. This skewed our winnings … er … I mean results."

However, the stakes became higher. He revealed to me that the Hadron Collider has become the biggest craps table in the world.

"Up to a million can be riding on the appearance of a Lepton. One scientist is in the hole for three million and he's pinned everything on the Higgs turning up before June."

Horrifically, Some are turning to organized crime and terrorists to fund their habit.

Charities in the US that help the homeless say that they have never seen so many Nobel prize winners living rough on the streets.

Floyd lamented, "It seems that quantum mechanics only makes sense when you don't think about it."

* Names have been changed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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