Written by Inchcock
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Wednesday, 29 February 2012

image for Quatermass Returns - to Nottingham! Mr Quatermass could find none of these in Nottingham

Albert Quatermass, the son of Professor Bernard Quatermass, the pioneer of the now extinct British space programme, who headed up the British Experimental Rocket Group, and continually found himself confronting sinister alien forces that threatened to destroy humanity in the 50's ans 60's, has now turned his hand from his wicker-bottom chair repairing interests, to join the Nottingham City Council's 'Alien Threat Assessment Committee.'

Mr Quatermass explained how he viewed his duties as part of the quango.

"It will I assume, be my duty to assess the risks and threats from, aliens, to the people and city of Nottingham. I was asked to go out on the streets and address the multitude of Big Issue sellers. What they have to do with my knowledge of space time continuum, travel and alien space craft buried in pits I do not know yet."

He continued: "I was also asked to interview the benefit seeking immigrants, why? again I'm not sure, I can't even speak Polish, Iraqi, Romanian, Pakistani, Bulgarian, Indian, Afghanistan, or any other language other than English!"

"The only missiles that I know of, are those thrown by the rioters, and the only space I know is the empty shops and the abandoned and fire-bombed businesses in the City."

"I'm beginning to think that the members of the Nottingham City Council may not be aware that my father was only a fictitious character in the Quatermass TV and film series? And not an immigration officer?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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