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Friday, 24 February 2012

image for When It Comes To Lies, The Democrats Can Do It, Too The Fig is sliding out of Gingrich's Newton.

As a registered voter you have an obligation to educate yourself on he issues, especially since it has become so hard to differentiate between what is truth and what are outright fabrications. The O'Reilly Factor, right wing radio, and the Republican debates have been nothing more than liars conventions, as distortions, "readjustments of reality" and outright lies have become the center of the GOP platform.

I'm worried that the GOP has perfected the art of the tall tale. This can be seen in their preposterous claims President Obama is foreign-born, he is anti-religious, and that gas problems have nearly doubled on his watch. This will result in an election too close to call and imperil the chance of reelection for the nation's first black Commander-In-Chief. As attorney Joanie Cochran (niece of Johnny) said during an NAACP speech last week, "If the glove doesn't fit/It's just more Republican bulls-t."

Being the conscientious individual that I am, I've decided to try and balance the scales. Like Fox News (the propaganda wing of the GOP), Gingrich, Romney and the rest of the gang, I too, will blend real numbers with figures snatched from my rectal cavity and pass them off as facts. In short, engage in the political version of 'two ca play that game." I plan to spend the summer spreading my own disinformation and spinning my own alternative truth concerning the GOP. Knowing that no less than 50% of the U.S. are gullible dupes all too willing to swallow their parties spoonfuls of B.S. I can find work in the Democratic Party and do things that would make Karl Rove look like Pat Sajak. My hope is that by August Obama's approval rating will be over the 50% mark.

For example, I thought this one up last night: The GOP is to blame for artificially high unemployment rates. Not true, but I can make the claim and make it stick by mixing fact and fiction. FACT: 11 states have unemployment rate at or above 9.5%. 8 of those states are Governed by republicans and 1 by an independent who leans right. Those states are (Arizona, Michigan, Nevada, Rhode Island, Mississippi, Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. (The lone states run by Democrats are California and Illinois). FICTION: Republican Governors and legislators have diverted stimulus earmarks and funds from state unemployment coffers to the RNC, The Tea Party and the Mormon Church. The money is being used to pay long-term unemployed voters in the suburbs not to look for work, keeping unemployment rates high and making the President look bad. If these funds were administered for their proper use, the unemployment rates for those states would fall below 5%, resulting in 7.2 million new jobs and an increase in tax receipts that would lower the deficit by 4 trillion dollars in five years.

My job will be to convince gullible voters of that, which is the easy part. How many will people will actually go back and check the numbers? How many will go to factcheck.org or politicfact? None.

See how simple it is?

Here's another nugget of "truthless knowledge": Mitt Romney is to blame for higher petroleum and natural gas prices, along with steadily increasing phone, cable and electric bills. I base this true lie on the statement that Bain Capital, in conjunction with PNAC (Project for A New American Century), lobbied GOP members of Congress to pass the Universal Mineral, Utilities, Telecommunications, Hydroelectric Alleviation and Federal Undermining of Consumer Knowledge Act that provides tax breaks to private companies in the aforementioned industries, and contains surreptitious earmarks of 158.7 billion in TARP money for these companies under the guise of "research and development", which means researching ways to get consumers to reduce their utility use, while developing new fees and reasons for raising prices due to the subsequent lack of consumer demand.

For all his preaching about moral values, Rick Santorum is not the candidate with the strongest views on religion, nor is Mormon Mitt Romney. The man whose religious leaning is likely to become an issue is Ron Paul, whom I will portray as the member of the Pumpkinite church. I will produce a doctored videotape of Paul making a speech made in Pittsburg, Texas (circa 2002), during which he calls the characters in a Peanuts special "intolerant, antireligious douchebags" for laughing at Linus's belief in The Great Pumpkin, the deity of the church that Paul is a member of.

I will turn that tape over to staffers of The Rachel Maddow Show, and it will also contain Paul "quotes" unearthed from an interview in Hustler magazine where Paul claimed that during a 1999 trip to New Guinea, he became afflicted with Kuru, a disease borne from consumption of human brains and that results in victims laughing themselves to death. In the tape Paul insists that he was healed by a Great Pumpkinite minister. Critics will jokingly refer to praying to the Great Pumpkin as "Linus/Pauling."

Newt Gingrich-who has more skeletons in his closet than John Wayne Gacy-triggered the housing collapse of 2008. My contention will be that while working as a consultant for Freddie Mac, it was Gingrich who first noticed the plethora of toxic assets held by U.S. banks and suggested, "Don't worry about a thing, fellas. I got just the plan."

According to U.S. Treaury documents, a chuckling Gingrich told Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke and several representatives from AIG, Merrill Lynch and Lehman Brothers, "Making mammoth profits in this industry is really simple. All we have to do is make high-risk, high nterest mortgage loans to poor people, allow many of them to oversxtend their credit, keep the high rate of defaults on the downlow, flood the housing market with overpriced homes-then sell the debt load to unsuspecting investors and foreign banks. Then we convince the government we're too big to fail, lest there be a worldwide monetary collapse, and to loan us hundreds of billions of dollars. Trust me, I studied under Bernie Madoff and also worked as an advisor to Willie Nelson, Gary Busey and Jose Canseco. Now that's a winning hand if there ever was one."

Finally there's Rick Santorum's "secret" 6-point debt reduction plan that consists of : (1) Slashing entitlements by 25%, including Section 8, Medicare, Social Security and Veteran's benefits; (2) lowering taxes by 2/3 on the wealthiest 4% and eliminating capital gains taxes, thereby "letting the job creators create four times as many jobs"; (3) Raising taxes on the middle class. "They're the only ones spending money as fast as they get it, so they must have an abundance of it."; (4) employing a "sin tax," by fining anyone who has a visible erection while sitting in a bar, movie theater, church, using public transportation, or sitting in a K-12 school, college or university. The fine for this crime would be $1,000 and $5,000 and up to a year in jail for repeat offenders.

I can attribute the following quote to "slick Rick": "We would want such a bill to be fair, so for black guys the fine would be doubled, and no, it's not racist. It's actually quite a complimentary statement about black fellas." I will report that Santorum also plans a "July punch in the eye" (surprise) if Gingrich is still in the race, by releasing a videotape of Newt in an aroused state as he sat next to Nancy Pelosi during the filming of their global warming commercial. I will also audio doctor his radio ads by tacking on the voice of a Santorum sound alike to shout, "I'm Rick Santorum, bitch!" at the end of each ad.

I will forge the following document on letterhead from the Santorum campaign:

"As for the fifth and sixth part of my debt reduction plan, I advocate employing children from poor neighborhoods as police officers. Let's face it, they know where the criminals are because they live with them. In this way, these children learn the value of hard work, hazard pay and good citizenship, which includes rejecting that 'no snitching' policy. My approach is a lot better than Newt's plan to have them scrub toilets. Where's the dignity in that?" And finally, (6) I call for an embargo against Hell, and its dictator, Beelzebub, because we have proof that the devil is a year away from getti8ng nuclear weapons and attacking Usrael and the United States."

Next lie: Romneycare doesn't work and the program is three times over budget. That's right, it insures only 13% of all Massachusetts residents and requires those who are indigent and die before age 90 to repay every cent the state has ever spent on them under the program. In many cases families have to turn over entire estates. Also, medical costs increased 622% during Romney's term as Governor, and because few seniors will be afford healthcare, they are dying, harming the economy as they must choose between buying medicine or cans of low-sodium cat food for dinner.

I also plan to release a radio commercial using a Romney sound-alike who will state, "I understand the struggles of America's poorest. I understand homelessness. One night my dad kicked me out of the mansion, and I had to stay in the lobby of the Ritz Carlton for four hours wearing nothing but a $500 windbreaker while I waited for a credit extension on my American express Black card."

New lie: If elected, Newt Gingrich will opt to legalize prostitution. Gingrich argues, "My administration would make it easy for almost any woman of low moral fortitude to get licensed as a professional strumpet, which would shrink unemployment to 2.7% and generate revenue through taxes and license renewal fees. Their earnings would be taxed at 15%, and the licensing would be handled through the creation of a new cabinet position, The Department of Vaginal Services and Oral Commerce. Gingrich insists that a Stanford University study shows that under his plan, the national debt would decrease by 85% in just three years, and he would make the Secretary of that department "A certain former White House intern."

Ron Paul not only has his name linked to a racist newsletter, but he's also an "Honorary Kleagle" in the Southwest Texas chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. He also cussed out and snatched Rick Perry by the lapels after he "knuckled under to special interest groups" and changed the name of his family's ranch from "N----rhead Ranch" to the more PC "People with Afro-hairdo Estates." He has a plan to ease the tension between his administration and the black community by naming Suge Knight Secretary of Defense.

And finally, on his first day in office, Rick Santorum-on the advice of his Vice-President Donald Trump-will slap a 67.5% tariff on all imported Chinese goods, triggering a trade war that forces the Chinese to cut off credit to the U.S. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, as Trump plans to include Yao Ming on Celebrity Apprentice, where he hopes to earn a record in advertising revenue as Chinese companies pay more than ten-million dollars for a fifteen-second ad, only to look on in horror as the Chinese basketball great is the first person fired for allegedly "trying toi steal military secrets."

Santorum also plans to invade Iceland, as he claims that "Icy empire of evil is hiding WMD."

I know what you're wondering: How can anyone be so devious, yet convincing in his portrayal of an Honest John? Simple. I use to work for Karl Rove and I learned from the best.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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