Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 21 February 2012

image for Don't Fret Armageddon

Consider this article a bit of an "I Have Nothing to Write Today" part deux. I say that because I did my morning routine again, listening to the news, poking around Internet news sites to grab the top stories and looking for something I could make light of. Spoofing I think, is truly an art. The talented writers who usually appear in the top 10 of TheSpoof(dot)Com's authors are considered, at least by me, to be paragons of sarcastic wit. It's hard to distill out the funny, the witty, and the sublime twist of a story from real news and they all have my deepest respect and admiration for their day in and day out contributions.

Arse kissing you say? Nay. Just respect for other writers from a guy going through a dry spell. I considered writing about carpet lint yesterday. These are dark times.

But, what of the title above?

"What's the buzz, Wortham?"

I picture somebody reading this to have asked exactly that question. Actually I'd like to pause for a moment to recognize you for even clicking on this diatribe and reading along with me thus far. Thank you. If I ever meet you, I'll owe you a fresh brew from your local (not mega brand) brewhouse.

Now, back to the title.

So, I read through the headlines on this date and found enough economic time bombs, political turmoil, social upheaval, and international crisis to fill a dumpster, if I had printed it all of course. Who prints anything anymore? I mean seriously. The point is that the negative news dominated the world again today on February 21.

Zetas Drug Gang Recruits Guards, Kill 44 Rivals and Escape Prison

Residential Bombing Continues in Syria's Homs

Iran Warns of Pre-Emptive Action in any Nuclear Dispute

Greece Still Pissed Off at Germany for Offering Bail Out (I added the "Pissed Off")

Strauss Kahn Urges Police to Question French Prostitutes to Clear Other Charges of Abusive Behavior (I like the stones on this guy, actually)

None of these stories however, were number one. In the midst of some significant economic, political, nuclear, drug trafficking and genocide news, the number one story in the world right now is? Wanna guess?

"Jennifer Lopez Receives Tender Kiss from Boyfriend Casper Smart as they Relax After Rio Carnival"

Armageddon.

There is no need to fear Armageddon. We are living in it right now. Somehow we missed the four horsemen and the chariot of fire; perhaps the plague of frogs went unnoticed and was limited to Louisiana after the floods subsided last year. They made for good eating anyway in a mild pepper sauce with a little red beans and rice on the side, but I digress.

2012 is here and the world has really ended, we just missed the fanfare. People like doctors, teachers, and anyone who shows compassion for the human race in any way should be famous and important but aren't, and those who should have no business in the spotlight, somehow manage to be the only ones who get the attention and the power. Ahmadinejad, Stauss-Kahn, Putin, Lopez, Bieber and anyone with the name Kardashian and we have a story. Having to watch them and read news about them and their influence on the world makes this Hell. We've made it.

To prove my point, I've done about as much research as that "Camping" fella who predicted the end of the world last year. Woops. My research however is rock solid and almost believable. Now, go with me on this. Have yourself a few shots of top shelf tequila, listen to any early Led Zeppelin album with the volume turned to maximum, sacrifice two large chicken eggs and a side of your favorite pork sausage, cook it, eat it, consume mass quantities of caffeine and then read the next paragraph.

The date is February 21, 2012. 2-21-2012. Or if you prefer the more European date standard of 21-2-2012, there you have it. I like to appeal to all audiences. If you sum the numbers in the date you get the number 10. The biblical significance of this number cannot be denied or disputed. (I like sounding like all those other crackpots who are convinced they're right).

10. 10 Commandments to be followed and often aren't. Frankly there was just something about that whole "Thou shalt not covet" thing that we couldn't get our arms around.

10 also signifies the Perfection of the Divine Order. You'll have to read up on that one yourself. I felt the urge to take my morning constitutional with newspaper in hand after reading that biblical nonsense.

Revelations Chapter 10 also signifies the coming of the Angel with a cloud for a loincloth, a rainbow for a hat, and feet as is they are pillars of fire. OK, so we never saw the dude. Maybe with North Korea and Iran threatening their own pillars of fire, that's the important symbolism, eh? If the tequila, caffeine, and cholesterol are starting to kick in, you may be more inclined to be on board with my argument.

The point is, we're here.

If the Mayans or Nostradamus or any of those old farts who fancied themselves to be prognosticators could see the world as it exists today, they would be like, "Dude, that whole place is messed up. That must be the end of the world".

Personally, I think the Mayans just got tired of documenting lunar and planetary cycles and said, "Yeah, let's just quit after we get to 2012. You guys want to grab a goat burger and some fermented corn beer?"

Anyway. So that was my argument. Full of holes and bereft of any real research but enough to form an argument and also allow me to write something. There really isn't a need to fear Armageddon. Global economic crisis, international political upheaval, Jennifer Lopez kisses and Kardashian dreams? We're already here.

But much like other geopolitical, economic or socially significant or insignificant storms, we have learned to weather them.

Stauss-Kahn? Moron. That narcissist will dig his own grave.

Greece? Go ahead and be pissed off that somebody is trying to help when you can't seem to help yourselves. See where that gets you.

Zetas Drug Gang? Eventually you will be considered a threat to national security and a wonderful collaboration of armies will pay you a visit in the dark.

Syria? Assad will get his in the end. You don't bomb your own people and expect to get away with it.

Jennifer Lopez? Really? Dating some guy 18 years your junior and making the front page of the news?

I'll say it again.

Armageddon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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