Apps are wonderful things - they provide all manner of solutions to all manner of situations, demands, foibles, and even sexual desires.
But if nobody likes you?
There isn't an app for that.
And software engineer Johnny Soffit should know - he's been trying - and failing - to develop such an app for years.
"It all started when I received an Email from a person who claimed that nobody wanted to know them, because they were deeply unpopular, and they wanted to know if there's an app available which will make them popular again," Mr Soffit explained. "It's quite sad really, when someone is excommunicated for being a pariah, shut off from the world, and virtually cast into the wilderness. But to be honest, I wasn't really all that bothered. I mean - I'm hardly likely to attempt to develop an app for one malcontent alone."
But Mr Soffit received more Emails from similarly disaffected people, and apparently thought:
"Hang on, there might be something in this..."
Before too long, Mr Soffit's inbox was overflowing with Emails from like minded pariahs the world over, so he thought that he'd better try to do something about it, because it had the potential to be a nice little earner.
He revealed that his first objective would be to establish exactly why some people were deemed as being socially acceptable to real life people, and those on social networking sites, whilst others were cast adrift and cared about by nobody. And in some instances, deeply loathed.
"It mainly seemed to revolve around social networking sites, and then echoed in real life," Mr Soffit explained. "I had thousands of messages from people who appeared to be quite upset by being ostracised from their real life and virtual worlds by people they once considered to be friends, that I had to devise a dual questionnaire, one for the real world and one for cyberspace. It was hard work. There are so many reasons why people can find themselves shunned by their fellow man. I just had to get to the bottom of it, in order to see if I could give a crowd of centemptible arseholes a second chance. I started with a real life questionnaire - if anyone ticked the 'yes' box on any of these questions, I decided that they were beyond redemption."
THE REAL LIFE QUESTIONNAIRE
1 - Are you a serial killer?
2 - Are you a killer of any human being?
3 - Are you a rapist?
4 - Are you a paedophile?
5 - Have you ever tortured a helpless animal for self gratification?
6 - Have you ever set fire to a neighbour's house?
7 - Have you ever slept with (consensually or non-consensually) your best friend's significant other?
8 - Have you ever attempted to destroy a friend or acquaintance's life systematically, by spreading blatant lies about them?
9 - Have you ever attempted to kill a family pet in order to spite another family member?
10 - Have you ever attempted to assassinate a Blue Peter presenter?
11 - Have you ever stalked anybody?
12 - Do you frequently hear people utter words like 'wanker' 'arsehole' 'prick' or 'cunt' when you are in the vicinity?
"That was the real life questionnaire," Mr Soffit said. "If anybody ticked 'yes' to any of those, they're beyond help. There's nothing I can do for them. The social networking thing was a bit more difficult, but I tried to work through it as best I could."
THE CYBER QUESTIONNAIRE
1 - Do you genuinely believe that you're the most interesting person on the planet?
2 - Do you get annoyed when other people don't?
3 - Are you intolerant because you think that you know more about anything and everything than anybody else?
4 - Are you pig-headed, stubborn, and basically stupid?
5 - Do you absolutely refuse to accept, or tolerate an opposing point of view?
6 - When informed that your social networking online behaviour is unacceptable and that penalties may ensue, is your reaction: "Fuck 'em - I know better"?
7 - Have you been banned from three or more social networking sites?
8 - Is it your opinion that rules are only there to be broken?
9 - Do you smash up your keyboard with a claw hammer every time somebody disagrees with you?
10 - Do you consider even mild criticism to be wholly unacceptable?
11 - Do you deliberately and knowingly ever undermine your peers by being nastily vindictive?
12 - With hindsight, do you feel a bit like a complete and utter failure?
So, those were the questions posed, but Mr Soffit wasn't entirely satisfied - surprisingly - by his own input into the experiment.
"It sort of covered the basics," he told reporters. "But to be honest, it didn't quite go far enough. My own research has demonstrated that there are some seriously nasty minded individuals out there, hiding behind a veneer of respectability and righteousness - the kind of sick fuckers who have no sense of responsibility, and no concept of restraint - nobodies living fantasy lives. To these individuals I have one message:
"Welcome to Antarctica - where it's cold, ever so cold. And lonely. So, so lonely...that even the penguins can't be arsed. And the frigid wind blows without mercy, in the eternal darkness of winter."
To whit, Skoob Magazine News asked Soffit to clarify his statement.
"Some people are beyond redemption," Soffit said. "Research indicates that some people go about their daily lives or get behind a keyboard and think they can do as they please, with no regard for their fellow man. That's usually the point at which they find themselves marooned. In a very cold place. They fail to appreciate that decency laws apply, by reason of their own innate arrogance. And no matter how often people try to tell them, they always know better. To such people, I'd say: 'Welcome to the ice cave. It's the place where - because of your own pig headed stupidity - you'll live out your miserable existence, and end up lost and lonely, because you were unforgivably nasty to others.'"
"Those 'others' will have support in spades. You will have nothing. Even the Jehovah's Witnesses and the Mormons will avoid knocking on your door - whether you're in the bath or not. Because they will consider you to be a despicable wanker. And in response to your original question, can I find an app to make you socially acceptable? In a word, no. Anyone answering yes to any of the above questions is beneath contempt. And they can kiss my arse. We don't do apps for mentalists. Simple as."
And on that bombshell...
Goodnight and Bollocks!
*With a nod to Iain B - the Spoof's very own app specialist. I hope I didn't do you an injustice mate.