Named Disease: HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome
Symptoms: Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect. Election of Coalition or Tory government.
Most at Risk: The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker or a friend of a Politician. This disease can become permanent especially in the 3.4 million of unemployed.
Area's most affected: The North & Midlands of England, Wales.
Advice: Suicide, withdrawal, or ideally if you can afford it, Alcoholism.
Named Disease: Monetary Cystitis
Symptoms: It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to pass on, gift, or donate any money, even that owed by you.
Most at Risk: Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, Shoplifters and Taxi Drivers.
Area's most affected: Nationwide.
Named Disease: Hope Alopecia
Symptoms: A sudden realisation that the Coalition Government is in charge, all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton.
Most at Risk: Anyone earning less than £88,000 a year.
Area's most affected: The Midlands, and North of England, Wales, Northern Ireland, and the Isle of Man.
Advice: Consider not voting for the Conservatives, and consider taking the bother to vote for someone else next time.
Named Disease: 'Spooninthegobatbirthness'
Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude develops that cannot be countered, this combines with a superior attitude to and hatred of the proletariat. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increasing, and lottery wins can increase the effects exponentially.
Most at Risk: Aristocracy, Royalty, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable William Hague MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs.
Area's most affected: London and the South of England.
Advice: None available.
Named Disease: A.A.D.(Alcoholic Addiction Dysrhythmia)
Symptoms: Finding you are one of the few who has not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else.
Most at Risk: Those under the age of 6, teetotallers, and patients who are not allowed to take alcohol.
Area's most affected: The Midlands.
Advice: Mentholated spirits are cheap, and you can get a free sample bottle of Russian after-shave from Debenham's in Nottingham sometimes.
Named Disease: Cacospysy+ (Irregular pulse)
Symptoms: Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.
Most at Risk: Anyone earning less than £90,000 a year.
Area's most affected: The Midlands and the North.
Advice: Drink copious amounts of alcohol on Budget day morning, or assassinate the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Named Disease: EDD Early Decrepitude disease
Symptoms: Sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer, and you are one of the poorer!
Most at Risk: Those who are poor and getting poorer.
Area's most affected: All areas other than London and the South.
Advice: Become a politician, or start a revolution.
Named Disease: Compassion Deficiency Anemia
Symptoms: You couldn't give a toss about anyone else.
Most at Risk:
Area's most affected: Most predominant in Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likley to be found anywhere.
Advice: Read Stalingrad by Antony Beevor, and learn about suffering. This may make you more humane.
Named Disease: BCRS Benefit Claim Rejection Syndrome
Symptoms: Failure to attain sufficient funds from the Benefits office
Most at Risk: Single unemployed personages, and just occasionally legal and illegal immigrants.
Area's most affected: Nationwide.
Advice: Get a job.
Named Disease: SWAD Spoof Writer's Addiction Disease
Symptoms: The inability to log off the Spoof.com website on your laptop or computer. Lack of sleep. Goggle eyed dizzy spells. Bruised finger tips. Insanity. Lack of food. Bursting bladder. Nervous ticks may develop. Talking to yourself continuously. B.O. You may miss taking your medications.
Most at Risk: All Spoofers.
Area's most affected: Worldwide.
Advice: You may find divorce helpful. Hibernation, or re-siting your area of self pleasure often helps.