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Monday, 13 February 2012

image for Frankie Cocozza Disturbing Exclusive Interview The shameful back of Frankie Cocozza

Frankie Cocozza World Exclusive Interview

Frankie smelling of beer, weed and perfume wearing a patterned gravy stained top with a pair of skinny jeans and a pair of women's knickers revealing out the crack of his ass walks groggily into the interview room. He scratches his bird's nest full of hair and slumps into the leather sofa farting but starts moving shiftily as though it was the settee that made the noise. Here is our exclusive interview speaking to everyone's favourite X Factor contestant of all time about sandstorms, Keith Lemon and Buckaroo…

Hello Frankie

Frankie: Ahoy there…you alright howdy partners

Frankie why you talking like a pirate?

Frankie: It's something I've always done when I'm hungover and drunk too much rum the night before'

Ok whatever

Sssh Frankie says glaring at our interview crew with heavy made up mascara eyes that are covering what looks like a black eye 'you must speak quietly to me…it's early in the morning and I've got a pounding head so please with all due respect…quiet now…I'm hanging'

So Frankie we take it your hellraiser image is not dying down anytime soon?

Frankie: No man I am THE hellraiser and that song by Sweet that was based on me…I'm taking after my dad he was a Hells Angel you know'

Right interesting…so what did you get up to last night?

Frankie: I went out to the Ivy restaurant with Gary Barlow but the meal was absolute shit so we walked out of there but not before spilling a load of water all over the waiters for their lousy service. Me and Gaz went and got a Chinese takeaway and sat in his brand new Rolls Royce he's just bought just catching up cause he's like a daddy to me. Then after our chat, we went to Stringfellows where we both got absolutely hammered and then we somehow met Kirk, all went to Sugar Hut ended up dancing round this pole or something and I pulled this fit bird.

We returned to the Plaza hotel and I dragged this girl upstairs while Dad Barlow went to bed. But then I looked and realised she was a actually part a he but then you know what I'm like I'll give anything a go so I did and to tell you the truth she/he weren't too bad. But somehow I've ended up with that person's knickers on and they've buggered off leaving a £10 note on the side.

Explain the black eye

Frankie: It could have been the he-she slapping me for a shit night…or it could have been when we were doing hokey cokey in sugar hut and one of the towie girls stilettos fell off and went flying hitting me in the eye. I was out cold for 15 minutes.

You must have been worried?

Frankie: No it was standard…I could have done with a quick nap anyway

How are you faring since Celebrity Big Brother?

Frankie: I miss that house…I don't miss the twins or Nicola but I miss flirting with Denise and I miss getting a cheap thrill from staring at her bazookas. But the best thing to come out of it is Kirk but I see him every day cause we're living together now. A bachelor pad in the heart of Essex Hugh Hefner style eat your heart out. It's a proper shag pad but also me and Kirk like our quality time together as well 'cause between you and me we're having a friends with benefits type of thing going on

really…

Frankie: (Laughs) yeah it's complicated really…I don't know sexually what I haven't tried now…I guess I've still got porn to try…

Perv…Frankie our readers want to know what your favourite song is?

Frankie: Don't suck too hard on your lollipop or else love's gonna get you down Mika'

Is it true that you've slept with Katie Price?

Frankie: yes you know that shit…

And Amy Childs…

Frankie: Yes you know that shit

And Jodie Marsh…

Frankie: Yes you know that shit

And…Vanessa Feltz

Frankie: Hmm yes…bad night that was

(Laughs) Frankie that's harsh…who would you most like to be a notch on your bedpost?

Frankie: Cheryl Cole or someone like that ain't gonna happen I'm more liable to end up in bed with Simon Cowell…

Frankie goes red

What's up?

Frankie 'Shit sorry…I wasn't supposed to say it…

PR interrupts
'Too late you've already opened your gob now'

Frankie - It's already happened…it was Simon's way of thanking me for getting him all the newspaper headlines for the show'

Hmm…ok sounds disturbing…we best keep quiet we wouldn't want Mr Nasty to sue us…Frankie our readers most want to know about your childhood, cause not much has been said about that so tell us some secrets…

Frankie - 'Well I'm from Brighton and I was born on Brighton beach behind a rock. I was this squiggling little thing with a lot of brown hair looking up with a grumpy expression on my face but apparently it was a very windy day and all the sand from the beach suddenly started flying into my eyes. We got caught up in a sandstorm and it was touch and go whether me and mum would survive. Luckily she got me to safety inside the apartment. The sand could have affected my eyesight perhaps that's why I have an inability to know what an attractive girl looks like who knows! (laughs)

Hehe ok…what about your school life?

Frankie - Believe it or not…I was actually a very respectful young boy at one point with a passion for musical theatre. I didn't even care what the play was I would sign up for it from Sister Act to Calendar Girls you name it I was there my hand up volunteering and eagerly awaiting a part. I was in a school production of Barbie and The Nutcracker and I didn't half put all my blood, sweat and tears into making it a success. Trouble is I reckon that part knocked me about because afterwards I actually became a nutcracker when I discovered girls, footy and cider and I've been tapped in the head ever since.

Oh Frankie (laughs) I'm sure you're not…I think your just…lost….we have had a celebrity ring in for you wanting to know if you're go on a date?

Frankie - Oh no it ain't that pig from Geordie Shore

If you're referring to your old conquest Holly then no…it's actually Keith Lemon

Frankie - oh Keith I love him…he's well funny standard. I'll go out with him…he's fit, blonde and loaded why not. I'll try anything regardless of anatomy

We noticed that Frankie…fun fact for our readers what was your favourite childhood game?

Frankie - I used to like Truth or Dare or Kiss Chase so I could be naughty but as for board games I used to like Buckaroo because it used to turn me on the way the horse's legs go up.

Frankie you sicko…one reader from up north has e-mailed us to let you know they have a message for you after your time in Big Brother.

Frankie - Oooh really….

It is…next time you fart…remember to open the windows

Frankie - Ok will do cheers (laughs)

So what are you doing work-wise at the moment?

Frankie - Well I now have a recording deal and I can exclusively reveal that I am releasing the song that I performed on X Factor 'The A Team' and as part of a campaign if I can get enough people and fans to buy the single and get me to number 1, I promise to strip completely naked and stand in front of Buckingham Palace.

Good luck with that one…anything else you're doing?

Frankie - I have also got rid of my infamous tattoos on my arse and as part of my promotional tour for my single seven lucky girls will be the new names to be put on my backside.

Cocozza you clearly don't do class…any chance of an album?

Frankie - We're in talks at the moment…obviously Gary will be writing and producing part of the material…Kirk's interested in rapping…Romeo from the house said he'd contribute something and then I've got people like Dappy, Steps, Bjork, Fast Food Rockers and Celine Dion all interested in collaborating aswell so suck up haters I am in demand.

Sounds like it…

Frankie - I've also got my own men's fragrance coming out it's going to smell of cabbage and strawberry trifle cause there my favourite foods but also with a mix of liqueur and scotch to give it a sophisticated edge to it.

I'm sure the blokes will be queuing up to buy that…thanks for the interview Frankie

As Frankie embraces our crew and says goodbye, we laugh as he walks outside to be greeted by a group of young girls who take pictures of him with their mobile phones and start giggling calling him 'Frankie Wankie'. Frankie tells us that he is going home to shower and clean himself up and that he is having a quiet one tonight just a pizza, gossip with Kirk and catching up on the soaps. We feel that Frankie is lost and needs to find the other half of himself. But there is something about him we like…even if he is repulsive!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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