Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 12 February 2012

image for Whitney - Local Man Gets So Emotional Whitney Performing When She Was Suffering From Anaemia

Following the terrible news that soul diva, Whitney Houston was found dead in the bathroom of a Hollywood hotel yesterday, at the age of 48 - local man, Martin Shuttlecock, laid bare his thoughts on the demise of an iconic figure in the world of music.

"I didn't even know her," a stunned Shuttlecock told reporters. "Never met the woman, but the wife was a bit upset about it. She said she shed a tear when she heard. I saw it on the news, but Simon Cowell sort of put me off me breakfast a bit, so I switched off."

Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, a former diva of sorts herself, told reporters that she was shocked and upset by the star's passing, saying that in her prime, Whitney had amazing range, superb diction, and that she was a beautiful woman, and an inspiration to women of colour everywhere.

"Her songs had a sort of resonance with me," Anne said. "I used to play 'I Wannna Run To You' on the car CD player back in the day, when I was driving home after meeting up with that prick I had the misfortune to end up marrying. I used to get quite emotional, and oft times found meself fillin' up."

"She was alright back in the day," Shuttlecock said. "Sort of bird you would't climb over to get to a meat pie for. To be honest, 'I Will Always Love You' started getting on my tits after a million or so plays. She looked quite horny in 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody' though. And I used to call 'Didn't We Almost Have It All' the 'full house at the clap clinic' song. I suppose it's sad that she died at the relatively young age of 48, but she had a good life, and at least she won't have to drag her arse out of bed at five am tomorrow, go out in the freezing cold and put an eight hour shift in at a factory. God love her."

"You really are an insensitive prick!" long suffering wife Anne interrupted. "Have a modicum of respect for the tragic and premature loss of a musical icon. Dickhead!"

"What?" Shuttlecock spluttered. "What did I say? I dunno...women..."

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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