Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Saturday, 11 February 2012

image for The Lift: An Everyday Story Of Office Folk. Laura, in reception xxx

To: Allstaff
From: Reception.
13:15 14/05/11

Sorry to report that the lift is not workin today. If you are expectin any visitors please come to receptionto meet them and not leave them to find their way to your offices by theirselves.

Anyone goin for a drink after work? Its happy hour on fridays at the Duke.

Laura in reception.
xxx

To: Laura Twist
From: MD office
13:17 14/05/11

Has maintenance been informed, Laura?

Miss Penny Scuba
PA to the MD.

To: Penny Scuba
From: Reception
13:18 14/05/11

Yes Miss Scuba, Ive left a message with Wally but he;s on his lunchbreak. I'll grab him on his way back in.

(I think they know about happy hour already. Tee hee)

Laura.

To: Allstaff
From: Building maintenance
14:14 14/05/11

The lift is broken down and I have rang the engineers and they cant get here before Monday lunchtime. Please use the stairs until then.

Me + colin up for a drink Laura.
Wally

To: Walter Ping
Cc: Allstaff
From: Bob Ninja
14:20 14/05/11

Alright Wally, I'll use the stairs if you insist. I was planning to use my spider super powers and crawl down the walls from the 5th floor.

A few of us going to the Duke.
Bob N.

***

To: Allstaff
From: Building maintenance
12.45 17/05/11

Wally is not in today and the lift is still not working because the engineers from Jackson & Pollock said they are dealing with an emergency on York Street. they will get here today if they can.
Colin.

To: Linda Paprika
Cc: Allstaff
From: Reception
15:06 17/05/11

Linds they need you because you're the first aider on the landin between the third and fourth floor because Cathy Chair has gone into labour. We have called an amblulence.

CAN EVRYONE ELSE PLSE STAY AWAY FROM THE LANDIN BETWEEN THE THIRD AND 4TH FLOORS PLEASE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE PLEASE?

Love
Laura in reception.
xxx

To: Allstaff
From: Gerry Lump
15:07 17/05/11

Bloody hell… its not mine! No way Jose!

To: Gerry Lump
CC: Allstaff
From: Cynthia Varnish
15:08 17/05/11

How could it possibly be yours, Lumpy you arse bandit.

To: Cynthia Varnish
CC: Allstaff
From: Gerry Lump

That's good coming from you Cynthia Mingeater!!!!
Pint after?

***

To: Allstaff
From: MD office
10:12 18/05/11

You will all be pleased to know that Cathy Chair gave birth to a bouncing baby girl yesterday.

When the paramedics arrived they decided that she should deliver the baby where she was before taking her to hospital. They say labour was probably brought on by Cathy climbing the stairs.

Cathy's husband Gary says mum and baby are doing fine and Cathy promises to bring the little girl in soon.

Miss Penny Scuba
PA to the MD.

To: Allstaff
From: Paul Zapp
10:15 18/05/11

O gr8... loads of cooing by broody wimmin.

To: Paul Zapp
CC: Allstaff
From: Nancy Spike.
10:17 18/05/11

Shut it faceache.

***

To: Allstaff
From: MD office
09:12 04/06/11

Mr Spart says he found the You Tube film about the bid to climb the south face of Waterloo House quite amusing and he was impressed by the film making skills of some of our staff but as he couldn't recognise anyone under their oxygen masks, balaclavas and parka hoods he doesn't know who to congratulate.

However, now he thinks it is time the 'base camp' established on the fifth floor fire escape landing should be taken down as it's probably in breach of fire safety regulations.

Frustration over the continuing problem of the lift cannot excuse fire regulations breaches.

Please remove it by end of work today.

Thank you.

Miss Penny Scuba
PA to the MD.

***

To: Allstaff
From: Human Resources
12:11 14/06/11

I am glad to be able to report that Norman Clackett, of credit control on the fourth floor, is at home recovering from what was a mild heart attack suffered while ascending the stairs two days ago.

It's not clear when he'll be back at work but we have sent flowers and a card. Lydia says visitors will be welcome from next week.

Thanks,
Vesta Plank, HR director.

***

To: Allstaff
From: Building Maintenance
14:09 23/06/11

Jackson & Pollock's engineers have finlly fixed the lift ad it is now working again.

To: Allstaff
From: Reception
14:10 23/06/11

Wally in buildin maintenance says the engineers have been and mended the lift so that it is now workin normally.

Love
Laura in reception
xxx

To: Laura Twist
CC: Allstaff
From: Alan Method
14:15 23/06/11

Working "normally" Laura? I would like to take issue with your assertion since, for as long as anyone round here can remember, the "normal" condition of our lift is stationary, ie: it doesn't move. I contend that now it appears to be able to ascend and descend between floors this is a decidedly abnormal state of affairs.

To: Alan Method
CC: Allstaff
From: Nick Motherboard
14:18 23/06/11

What are you on about, Meff, you Gooner tosser?

To: Nick Motherboard
CC: Allstaff
From: Alan Method
14:19 23/06/11

Just engaging in a bit of philosophical banter, Nick old son. Sorry if your neanderthal Chelsea IT brain can't cope with such complex concepts.

***

To: Allstaff
From: Reception
10:38 25/06/11

The lift is broken again and Wally has called the engineers who can't get here til next week at least.

Anyone goin for a drink after work cos its happy hour in the Duke?

Love
Laura in reception.
xxx

et cetera...

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