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Sunday, 12 February 2012

image for Nottingham Magistrates' Sessions to be shown live at the Majestic cinema! Live trials to be shown at Nottingham Cinema

Nottingham City Labour Councillor Mr B Ackander (56), has been praised for his efforts in getting the Nottingham Magistrates' and Criminal Court sessions to be shown live at a City Centre Cinema, now renamed the Majestic.

Cllr B Ackander explained: "With the Coalition Government's cutbacks, it was essential we found a way to help ease the financial burden caused by their vicious cutbacks. And at the same time revitalise Nottingham City Centre."

At this stage Cllr B Ackander momentarily cuddled his wallet, then continued.

"In the city, we have many abandoned, bankrupt, and fire-bombed premises that have not been used for months now. The old Odeon cinema, closed in 1970 being one example, and the one chosen to be used in our new initiative."

At this stage Cllr B Ackander adjusted his eyebrow highlights, then continued.

"Using all local firms, we refurbished the once grand old cinema, renaming it 'The Majestic', as that is close to Magistrate and the link would be suitable for where the trials will be shown. The Majestic, as the old Odeon has three screens, so we can show three live trials at the same time, thus offering a choice for the public to view.
"Entry prices will be from 50p for divorce proceedings, £5 an hour for mugging trials, up to £20 an hour for the murder trials."

At this stage Cllr B Ackander momentarily cuddled his wallet, then continued.

"The refurbishing work is of an excellent standard, and the builders, Ackander & Sons, have fitted Guilty/Innocent voting buttons on the side of each chair, and after the real verdict is given, the votes of the viewers will be revealed on the screen. Voting will cost up to £2 a vote."

At this stage Cllr B Ackander took a swig from his hip-flask, and wandered off to the Bell Inn, cuddling his wallet.

The luxury carpeting, by Ackander Carpet World, is thick piled, and in Nottingham City Council colours of green and yellow.

The Council's Planning Consultant, Mrs Ackander revealed the first days offerings at the 'Majestic', starting on Monday 13th February, riots permitting.

Majestic Screen One: County Court Trials

Trial 0124: Divorce
Arthur Itis vs Cist Itis
Entrance: 50p per hour
Voting: 2p per vote

Trial 0125: Debt repayment
Cllr B Ackander (56) vs Escorts on Demand.com
Entrance: £1 per hour
Voting: 50p per vote

Trial 0126: Feeding the pigeons in city centre
The Crown vs Alf Inchcock (65)
Entrance: Free
Voting: Free

Majestic Screen Two: Magistrates' Court Trials

Trial 08254 Shoplifting, abusive language, ABH.
The Crown vs Rev. Salmon (46)
Entrance: £3 per hour
Voting: £1 per vote

Trial 08255: Mugging, threatening behaviour
The Crown vs John Wayne Rooney Ogglesworth (6)
Entrance: 5 Smarties
Voting: Not available, accused under-aged

Majestic Screen Three: The Crown Court Trials

Trial 589895: Murder
The Crown vs (to be announced)
Entrance: (to be announced)
Voting: (to be announced)

Trial 589896: Rioting, disturbing the peace, abusive language, theft, looting, fraud, and anti-social behaviour
The Crown vs Cllr B Ackander (56)
Entrance: £20 per hour
Voting: £2 per vote

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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