Written by EvilAlwaysWins
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Friday, 3 February 2012

In today's cutthroat global economy, workers must do everything they can to differentiate themselves. One way to do so is by using a distinctive and highly professional email style. Here are ten musts that will ensure that your email cries out, "I am a professional!"

1. Background. White? That's yesterday's black. No, today's world cries out for more than monochrome. Red, lime, yellow, pink. Those are the background colors of the bold professional, the one the shrugs off convention and says, "I think out of the box!"

2. Font. Arial. Times New Roman. BORRRRRRRRRING! If you aren't using Comic Sans MS, you aren't living.

3. ALL CAPS. Everyone types in Sentence Case. Conformists. ALL CAPS SCREAMS OUT LOOK AT ME!! Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

4. Alternating CAPS and/or FONT COLORS. tRy ThIS OuT. Could you forGET an eMail with this FoRmAt? NO!

5. Internet lingo. Vry kewl. ROTFL. U go GRL. Temp.late. Today's lingo is so much more efficient and memory-making. Don't eschew it. Embra.ce it!

6. Mis-spell. Use bad grammer and don't waste time spellcheking. Grammar-schamar. Don't be stuffy. Spelling and grammar are for nerds. Ain't no need for no nerds, am their?

7. Use clich├ęs. Mix metaphors. "For all intensive purposes, French benefits have a statue of limitations, making your actions a mute point."

8. Bestow a nickname. Hi Dave. Hi Carol. The recipient has heard their name thousands of times. They're probably numbed by it. Show them you care and give them a nickname. A-Rod. D-Will. P-Diddy. You get the picture.

9. Attach huge files. Sound, video, image, whatever your choice, make sure it's a LARGE FILE. With the tiny screens on mobile devices, the recipient will thank you for it.

10. Signature. Name/title/contact information. So 2001. Today's signature block needs to be memorable and jam packed with information. Include the following:

Name, Title, Golf Handicap, Slugging Percentage, Cholesterol Count, Facebook page, Twitter address, Email, Phone number. You also should remind the recipient to respect the environment and respect the confidentiality of the email. Finally, conclude the signature block with a pithy and enlightening quote. For example:

--
Dr. Joe Smith III, Esq., MBA, MCSE, CCNA, Hot Dog Eating Champion, First Place Pac-Man machine 7-Eleven in Escondido '81
Senior Email Template Analyst | Temp.late.com
Golf handicap: 16
SLG: .433
HDL: 60 mg/dL
JoeSmithT1000.facebooks.com
#JoeSmithEmailTemplateAnalysis - Qwitter
JoeSmithEmailTemplateAnalysis@temp.late.com - email
Tel: 699-245-6161
-If you print this email, you are heartless and soulless.
-This email is confidential. Any rebroadcast, retransmission, or account of this email, without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, is prohibited.
-"Oh - so they have Internet on computers now?" -- Homer Simpson

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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