No readers, your eyes do not deceive you! Nightclub mogul and renowned lothario, Peter Stringfellow has been secretly wooing Prince Williams's sister-in law and renowned arse, Pippa Middleton for several months now, and those close to the couple say, 'It's love!'
Friends say that the flames of passion were stoked after Mr Stringfellow 'copped an eyeful' of Pippa during the Royal Wedding last April.
A 'close aquaintance' and Stringfellows employee, pole dancer and erotic masseuse, Mitzi Cherry said:
' Oh yeh, it's all true innit? Peter took one look at her bum and said he just had to get 'is 'ands on a bit of that. It was so romantic. I saw it all 'appen right before me eyes 'cos I was there at the time, sewing up his leopard skin sofa.
I had a bit of an accident during a private pole dance and me hooker shoe got caught and made a hole. Least I could do was fix it for the poor old sod.'
With his far reaching connections, Mr. Stringfellow was able to obtain Ms. Middleton's number, and after a series of dates, love blossomed. Asked if there was any chance that her boss and Ms. Middleton may 'tie the knot' any time soon, Ms. Cherry replied:
'Well I dunno. Depends if she likes a bit of bondage, innit?'
Pippa's nearest and dearest have also not been backwards at coming forwards when it comes to hinting at a love match. Old school friend, Arabella Flagstaff-Bung said:
'Yah..they definitely have a marvellous chemistry. Pippa has always had a bit of pash going on for him you know. She used to say there was something about his mullet and penchant for thongs that got her juices flowing. One so rarely encounters mullets within the circles she normally moves in, so it is a refreshing change for her. We went for tea at Harvey Nick's last week and she admitted she just adores a bit of rough.
Kate is thrilled for her too. In fact, she even enquired as to whether she could organise a couple of free 'Stringfellows' memberships for Prince Philip and Prince Andrew. She did ask her father-in-law if he wanted one as well, but he politely declined.
Camilla's already installed a pole at Highgrove, and is apparently jolly good at a bit of scissors action.'
The couple themselves have been keeping their relationship on the lowdown, but paps are currently on the case to catch the all important first photo of the couple, however, Ms. Cherry claims that she also is chasing the much-coveted snap:
'Fing is, my council tax bill is coming up, so I've offered another private pole dance to Peter. E's gonna bring Pippa this time, so I'm gonna stick a tiny camera down me g-string. I've got a wicked strong pelvic floor muscle and I'll have that photo in the bag quicker than a rat up a drainpipe.
It'll be 'cha-ching!' after I've flogged it to the Daily Star!'
Questioned as to whether she may have scuppered her plan having now disclosed it to the media, Ms. Cherry stated:
' Oh bollocks...I never thought of that.'