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Sunday, 29 January 2012

image for A tribute to 19th century explorer Sir Dr Wilbert Vagina-Crumpington Sir Dr Wilbert Vagina-Crumpington also invented plants

The name Sir Dr Wilbert Vagina-Crumpington is little heard these days, and that is a great shame, for he was one of the greatest explorers of pre-Victorian Britain. He discovered the bottom of the Nile, and he invented Madagascar.

He is responsible for recording for the first time countless tribes around the world, most of which he named after himself. He is also responsible for discovering and naming the female genital area. Whenever a lady uses her "Vagina-Crumpington", she should be reminded of the man after whom it is named.

Born into poverty in Dorking in 1772, he was raised very strictly. Whenever he disobeyed his parents he was ordered to eat a lump of coal. This affected him markedly in his later years.

His parents pushed him to go into exploring, but he flunked the subject at school. He took an explorer's evening class and began an apprenticeship with a local explorer who travelled the canals and bridges of Dorking. In those days the town was known as "the Skegness of the South". Together they regularly slept under the stars and begged for money, getting a real taste of the explorer's life.

After he grew tired of seeing the same bridges and canals over and over again, he travelled to Africa to do some "proper exploring" as he called it.

There, he was one of the first Europeans to see wild lions. He described them in his journal as "very majestic, and absolutely terrifying. They are without a doubt the king of the jungle. Also they taste most excellent when smothered in gravy."

Later, while exploring the Indian subcontinent for the British Tea Board, he was the first man to see a dodo. He said it was "the most peculiar bird I have ever seen. It is as ridiculous as it is delicious. I recommend serving it deep fried."

One negative side to his legacy comes from the continent of South America. After naming the Vagina-Crumpington tribe of the upper Amazon, he was subsequently blamed for their extinction. He claims that he merely requested the tribe to demonstrate cannibalism to him so he could see it first-hand. Upon this, the entire tribe devoured each other, leaving little trace but a few bones. Sir Dr Vagina-Crumpington insists in his biography that he did not eat any of them himself.

Sadly Sir Dr Wilbert Vagina-Crumpington passed away at the age of 82 while on an expedition in Africa. He died doing what he loved, exploring. His death was caused while he was taking a toilet break, where he was savagely molested by a honey badger and died of his wounds soon after.

Perhaps he is best known for his encounter with a young David Livingstone, who was on his first African expedition. On meeting the Scottish explorer deep in the jungles of the Congo, Sir Vagina-Crumpington said the line for which he is most famous. "Dr Livingstone, what the fuck are you doing here?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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