"Cheers Fred, good 'elf mate. Look at that, does a lovely pint of beer landlord does 'ere. Gonna enjoy that I am.
Yeah, so as I was saying, last Friday evening it was, 'bout ten t' midnight. I was sitting in me armchair in me living room, just mindin' me own business as yer do. Tryin' t' do me Daily Express Sodtodoko puzzle I was, the harder one like 'cause I'd already mucked up the easy one earlier in the day. Anyway, suddenly I 'ears this almighty crash of breaking glass comin' from out in me kitchen. Thought it was some lad from the pub car park on the other side of me garden fence, thought he's gawn 'nd chucked a brick or a bottle like just out of devilment, and it's gawn 'n' landed smack against me kitchen window.
So naturally I puts me Express 'n' pen down on me coffee table, slips some slippers on me feet so's not to tread on the broken glass in me socks, then I gets up from me armchair and goes out to me kitchen. I've already sussed one of me windows 'ad been broken of course, but I was still 'oping it 'adn't been the big main one, 'opin' it was just one of the smaller windows at the top like. Big one it was though. Broken glass all over me kitchen lino, gawd what a mess. Glass in the sink, glass on me lino floor, dear ol' dear. I'm not lookin' at where the window 'ad been at that particular moment in time like, I'm lookin' dan at the floor, like as anyone would. So I'm lookin' dan at the floor when all of a sudden I 'ears this woman's voice speakin'.
'Sorry,' she says, this woman's voice I'm 'earing, 'seems I don't know my own strength.'
Woman's voice is comin' from outside me broken window. Some woman's in me garden I says to meself. Bit dark outside of course, but I turns me 'ead t'wards the big window frame, and sure enuff there's this woman's face lookin' right back at me like.
'Sorry' she says, 'I just meant to tap on your kitchen window with this little stone I found in your garden, just to try to attract someone's attention.'
Clumsy cahh I finks. Then before I 'as a chance to ask what she's doin' in me garden, 'cause as you know Fred, there's a big fence all 'rand it like, she tells me she's fand 'erself in a bit of a pickle, and needs someone to 'elp 'er out. Shows me the stone she's still 'olding in 'er right 'and.
Well I could tell by the expression on 'er face that she was worried 'baat somefing or uvver like, and so naturally I wants to 'elp 'er out if I can. Fink I did mumble somefing, words to effect like about 'ow she could 'ave just tried tappin' on me back door. Well I mean Fred, she didn't 'ave t' go and smash me big window in. Don't fink she 'eard me say that though 'cause I'd just said it under me breff like.
Anyways I puts me jacket on over me shoulders, bit chilly outside what wiv it bein' middle of January like, not frosty though, and so I unbolts me back door then walks out into me back garden, still in me slippers like, to find out what it's all abaat.
'What the fu**' I cries. Ex-scuze language Fred, but that's what I said, couldn't stop meself I couldn't, 'cause as you know Fred, when Sheila was still 'ere they were 'er pride and joy so they were. Spend 'ahhs doin' this 'n' that wiv 'em would Sheila.
'Lost all power' says she, 'forced to make emergency landing in your garden.'
'No,' I tells 'er, 'I means me rose bush. Look at the state of it for gawds sake.' Mind you Fred, I'd obviously noticed the fing sittin' there on me lawn as well, 'ard not to like.
'Sorry about your rose bush' says this woman in me garden. She says, 'I was trying to make it to the pub car park on the other side of that fence.'
Nice looking lady as it goes. Well, I say 'lady' though technic'ly speakin' she's one of those aliens Fred. Def'nitly not one of those bug eyed ones you see at the cinema though. No, bit of a looker this one Fred. No idea what planet she comes from 'cause I didn't fink to ask. S'pose I should 'ave really.
Mind you Fred, 'tween you 'nd me like, she did 'ave a cuppla 'orns stickin' out from 'er 'ead. Yeah, shame about the 'orns. None of my bizniss though. Fink she was quite praad of 'em as it 'appens 'cause she'd covered 'em in a kind of lipstick or somefing. I s'pose they were pretty 'orns as 'orns go like. Don't fink I'd 'ave liked my Sheila to 'ave 'ad 'em though Fred. She'd spend enuff on 'er lipsticks as it was.
Didn't ask what planet she was from, but I did ask what her name was. 'You got a name?' I asked, tryin t' be friendly like. 'Of course I have a name' she replies. 'My name is Spanza47b.' she says.
'That's a very unusual name dear' I says, 'fink this must be the first time I've ever 'eard of anyone with that name.' Yeah, very unusual name. Mind you Fred, unusual lady all fings considered like.
'You should've banged on me back door with those 'orns of yours Spanza47b' I said. Made 'er larf that did, though I wasn't jokin' as it 'appens. Unusual larf Fred, unusual. Sort of a cross between a car's brakes screeching and a matchstick bein' struck alight it was. Can't say I was too keen on that. Made sure not to tell 'er any jokes after that I did Fred.
Have to admit it 'adn't escaped my attention what young Spanza47b was wearin'. Not all that much as it goes.
'You warm enuff?' I asks. Offered to go fetch 'er a blanket like. 'No,' she says, 'I'm not cold.' Fanked me for the kind offer like.
'So what's up with this vehicle of yours then?' I asks.
"Electrics" she says. She then starts tryin' to explain to me about 'ow she'd switched some timezoom lead over with somefing called a mercury booster terminal. I'm not mechanic'ly minded as you know, so I'm standin' there in me slippers noddin' me 'ead not knowin' what she's goin' on abaat.
'It should go wiv a push' she says. Explains to me she'll 'ave t' be at the controls when it starts otherwise it'll blow up taking most of Britain with it. This it turned out was why she'd been seekin' my 'elp. Wants me to push start the bleedin' fing. She could see I wasn't too keen like.
Well, you know what me backs like. And like I says, I'm wearin' me slippers. Garden's bound to be a bit muddy, and I'm finkin' t' meself that it's gonna be a bit 'ard to push start a bleedin' flyin' saucer stuck in me garden's muddy lawn.
Tells 'er dun I, 'Gotta watch me back' I says.
'No, it only needs a tiny little push. Pleeeaze?' she begs.
Now don't look at me like that Fred. I never said I didn't did I? Of course I bloomin' did. Wajja take me for f' gawds sake. Damsel in distress asks for a man's 'elp, you gotta 'elp. Mind you, I wasn't gonna strain my back. No way. I mean, when all's said 'n' done, it wasn't my fort she wasn't in the AA.
Anyways, my rand I fink. I'll get the drinks in then tell you more abaat what 'appened when I get back.
(to be continued...)