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Tuesday, 24 January 2012

image for "A History Of The Intertelnet", written in 1874 by Sir Charles Cockface A modern electrical telegrammatic receiver

The world's interconnected telegraph network, also known as the intertelnet, has been running for a little over forty years now, sending Morse code messages around the civilised world. It was in 1832 that the first electrical telegrammatic message was sent from Dorking to Effingham by Lady Spongebob Telegraph, wife of the inventor Lord Jethro Telegraph. Famously, the message was a whimsical description of a kitten wearing a hat. The response came back three minutes later - the rather confusing message "lol stop".

Since then, the intertelnet has spread all over the globe, bringing great news and delight wherever it goes, from the British Australian Territories to the British Indian Territories. Earlier this year, a Nigerian prince unfortunately misplaced three million pounds sterling of gold bullion. Thanks to the magic of the intertelnet, he was able to contact a trusting member of the public, who agreed to help him recover the sum by transferring it through an intermediate bank account for a small fee.

The intertelnet is not always so useful. A recent scam in London involved random persons being informed that they had received a telegrammatic message. Upon arrival at their local exchange to read it, they would discover that a mysterious Mr Astley wished to tell them that he was "never going to give you up stop". The culprit has never been caught, but such pranks were very popular for a while and even gained a nickname - trick-cajoling.

Many other users of the telegraph have found themselves the unwanted recipient of unscrupulous advertisements. A very intimate personal telegram was sent to thousands of gentlemen across Britain last year, offering them a chance to purchase a "masculinity enhancer". This consisted of a "horse-drawn vacuum chamber for improving the vascular flow to the masculine area". A few unlucky men paid for the equipment but never received delivery of it. It is thought there may be many more unfortunate customers who are too ashamed to make a formal complaint to the telegrammatic service.

Overall though, there are relatively few misuses of the intertelnet, and the benefits far outweigh the inconveniences. The intertelnet has also become a significant employer of labour. Many ladies are finding gainful employment describing their various feminine lady parts to lonely single gentlemen over the telegraph network, which provides great satisfaction and healthy relief to all involved.

It is likely that the intertelnet is here to stay. Engineers say that in its current form the electrical telegrammatic network will probably never be improved upon, so we can look forward to decades and even centuries of Morse messages entertaining us all.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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