Written by Geoff Gilson
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Tags: business

Monday, 30 January 2012

No, no, really (he says, doing his very best, over-the-top, under-the-weather Ricky Gervais). Bear with me for a sec. If those who advocate for corporations to be persons (*cough* *hack* -- the 1%) follow through consistently with their political beliefs (granted, with Gingrich and Romney as standard-bearers, not very likely - but this is my satirical piece, so let me finish) …

Anyways, if corporations are persons (especially those megadeath Wall Street banks), then it follows (a la Tea Party Republicans in Mississippi) that they are persons from the point of their conception.

Now, bearing in mind that it can take years, if not decades, for corporations to be incorporated (and, therefore, start to pay taxes), long after they have been conceived, I would say that most of America's corporations (keep thinking, megadeath Wall Street banks) owe gazillions in back taxes. Cha ching!

Back to Tea Party Republican principles, if corporations are persons, then you can't abort them. So, all those insolvencies are now redundant. And a whole slew of 'former' corporations owe another huge chunk of back taxes. Double cha ching!!

Finally, since all of our Republican corporatist brethren are so opposed to same sex marriage among persons, our newly-personified corporations are no longer allowed to merge and acquire like-minded companies. So, all those merged corporations now have to un-merge - and pay all the extra corporation taxes they would have paid had they been separate. Triple cha ching!!!

Bottom line? If we were to enforce the notion of corporate personhood, in a manner consistent with the political beliefs of those who dreamt up corporate personhood in the first place, we could:

1) Collect enough unpaid corporation tax to wipe out the current deficit and the entirety of the $15 trillion US national debt, in one fell swoop - and have sufficient left over to buy a brand new Ferrari for every single taxpayer earning less than $30,000 a year.

2) Unmerge Fox. And get back all of those nice, warm and cuddly, old-timey local television stations we miss so much.

3) Tie up corporate lawyers with enough red tape unraveling the tax affairs of their 1% clients that they wouldn't have the time or money to go on sticking it to the 99%.

4) Leave corporations so drained of cash that they would have to close all their Super-PAC's - and we would be able to reclaim our elections.

So. Like I say. I'm wondering. Who says corporate personhood is such a bad thing … ?!?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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